Category Archives: Humor

What’s Missing From This Picture?

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The examples below (posted a little while ago at Vlad Tepes) are illustrative of the way the Western media would report on the massacre at Tiananmen Square if it were to happen today.

Wong Wing, a 30-year-old flight instructor, died suddenly today while away from his home. He is survived by his family, which is his wife and son. He will be missed.

Hu Flung Pu died suddenly this afternoon while seeming to attempt to direct traffic. He is survived by his wife and son and will be severely missed.

Wai So Dim passed away suddenly today while cleaning treads on a government vehicle. No cause of death is known and his family, which consists of his wife and son, are dumbstruck by his sudden passing. He was young and in the peak of good health.

No Pah King mysteriously passed away while just standing still this afternoon enjoying the sunshine. He was known to be in excellent health and people near him at the time say he was an excellent runner. He is survived by his wife and son who expressed deep understanding at Mr. King’s passing. He will be missed.

Hu Yu Hai Ding was discovered dead and mysteriously flat today at a government park. Cause of death not known but there has been an increase in reported deaths of people who are far flatter than is recommended for good health. Hu Yu was 19 at the time of his passing. He is survived by his mother and father, and wife who is expecting a son. The government has issued a warning not to stand near anything that may cause a person to become flatter than normal.

How Long was reported missing today after his wife found him covering a large section of a well-known public area. No cause of death is known but it has recently been determined that being young, healthy and athletic with no bad habits actually can be very bad for your health.

Low Fat, a 22-year-old nutritionist died suddenly today while sunning himself on a large concrete square. It is now said that sunshine and fresh air can be worse for your health than cigarette smoke and factory air. He is survived by his wife and son.

The Wonderful Land of Odd

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Long-time readers will remember JLH as the tireless volunteer who over the years has translated hundreds of thousands of words in German for Gates of Vienna. However, he is also known for writing whimsical verse, in the tradition of Edward Lear and Ogden Nash. Below is his latest offering.

The Wonderful Land of Odd

by JLH

Oh, come with me to the Land of Odd,
Where everything’s Green, even if it’s not.
Where mighty turbines harness the gale
And create great power, unless they fail.

And if they, frozen, come crashing down,
Strewn like corpses on the ground,
They testify to the might of Man,
And everything he thinks he can.

Great solar panels with solar blaze,
Transmogrified before our gaze,
Send volts and watts through stubborn amps
To light up many hundred lamps.

So if they fry a few hundred birds,
The only laments will be from nerds,
Who follow the birds with cameras high,
To record their flight across the sky.

Mother Nature cannot avert,
What’s happening under her very skirt.
Global Warming is undeniable.
The science, we know, is quite reliable.

The Antarctic will be a swimming pool.
The Arctic will not be quite that cool.
The sea will swallow the coasts of the world.
Where children once frolicked tides will swirl.

But fear not, friend, we have your back.
Fixing it takes a simple hack.
Get rid of coal and oil and gas
And other things that will not last.

And if wind and sun no longer serve
To flatten the climatological curve,
Go out in the woods and pick,
When need is great, a bunch of sticks.

They’ll make a fire to warm and cook—
A little smoke we can overlook.
Renewable resource is now what matters.
Ignore the bacon when it spatters.

But save the grease to fry the eggs,
And do not throw away the dregs.
We’ll mix them into our pancake dough
And what comes next, you never know.

Making a Monkey Out of Us

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Gerald Grosz is an Austrian politician for the BZÖ (Bündnis Zukunft Österreich, Alliance for the Future of Austria) and the FPÖ (Freiheitliche Partei Österreichs, Austrian Freedom Party). He is also a columnist and vlogger.

In the following video Mr. Grosz has a little fun at the expense of our simian friends and the current wave of media-driven monkeypox (Affenpocken) hysteria.

Many thanks to Hellequin GB for the translation, and to Vlad Tepes and RAIR Foundation for the subtitling:


Video link

Video transcript:

Continue reading →

Zelensky Converts to Islam

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There’s some surprising news out of Ukraine this morning. Below is the report from the Associated Press:

Kyiv, April 1, 2022 (AP) — Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky convened a press conference today to announce that he has converted to Islam.

Mr. Zelensky said that he has spent the last three weeks in close consultation with Samer Afirov, the imam of the main mosque of Ukraine’s capital city, Kyiv. Imam Afirov is one of the hundreds of Crimean Muslims who fled their homes in Simferopol — which is 500 miles southeast of Kyiv — when Russia annexed the Crimea.

Mr. Zelensky expressed his appreciation for the imam’s knowledge and devotion. “With his help,” said the president, “I was able to understand righteousness and magnificence of Allah. I realized that in order to do the right thing for my country, I had to do what is right by Allah, as explained by His messenger Mohammed (peace be upon him).

“Although I come from a Jewish background, up until my conversion I had no religious inclinations and was basically an unbeliever. But now I have realized the error of my ways, and intend to rectify my earlier mistakes by fighting zealously in the way of Allah.

“And I also intend to help Christian Ukrainians see the error of their ways when they associate partners with Allah by worshipping the Trinity. The doctrine of tawhid tells us that Allah is one; He is without partners. There is none but He. All other beliefs are shirk, the sin of polytheism.

“With Allah’s help, our jihad will drive the infidel Russians from our land, insh’allah. Then, when Islam reigns supreme in Ukraine, there will be peace at last. Christians and Jews will be able to live in harmony within the Caliphate, aware of their protected status under Islamic law.

“With the help of Allah and his Messenger (peace be upon him) we shall be victorious!”

The 10 Rules of COVID-19

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Our Hungarian correspondent CrossWare found this entertaining list of rules in a comment on a Hungarian site, and kindly translated it for Gates of Vienna.

The 10 Rules of COVID-19

(I know it seems like more, but math is racist)

  • Pharmaceutical marketers are always telling the truth.
  • They’re always right on TV.
  • If someone is talking while wearing a tie, then what he says is double-true.
  • If he’s wearing a white coat, then it’s triple-true.
  • Someone who memorised texts for ten years always knows better than anyone who thinks.
  • If the expert contradicts his statement from one or two weeks ago, then of course both statements are perfectly true.
  • Facebook and Google only censor any counter-opinion because it is obviously a lie.
  • The official position is sacred and always in perfect agreement with the truth.
  • Anyone who disagrees with the official position is an evil terrorist.
  • Global and national leaders are all kind, philanthropic, self-sacrificing people.
  • Rich guys like Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Klaus Schwab, Henry Kissinger, people at Reuters, Google, New York Times, etc. are exceptionally kind, loving people.
  • The principal owners and shareholders of pharmaceutical companies are not interested in profit.
  • Any experimental shots assembled in a few months are perfectly safe. Short- and long-term side effects are not possible.
  • If someone supports an organisation — as Bill Gates does the WHO — or media companies or politicians with millions of dollars, they do not expect anything in return.
  • It has long been a well-known fact that the immune system does not exist, and in the past no one ever reached adulthood.
  • The human body is not viable by itself; it can only be sustained with artificial chemicals.

If you don’t agree with the above, you’re a mass-murderer, a science-denier, a heretic, a virus-denier, an anti-vaccination terrorist, and because of you I have to sit vaccinated at home wearing three masks and a bio-protective suit!

R.I.P. Lars Vilks

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Fjordman just sent this brief note:

Big news tonight from Sweden that the artist Lars Vilks, best known for depictions of the prophet Muhammad, has been killed in a car accident. Two police officers assigned to protect Vilks were also killed in the crash. As police were involved in the crash, it is currently being investigated carefully.

Links:

It’s too early to say whether cultural enrichment was involved in Mr. Vilks’ tragic death.

I’ll be writing more about the legacy of Lars Vilks in later posts. For now, I’ll just quote from what I said back in March of 2015:

Although he would probably not agree with the characterization, the Swedish artist Lars Vilks is a hero of the Counterjihad movement.

Like many other people who have chosen to criticize or mock Islam, Mr. Vilks’ life has been in danger for years. Last month he was the target of a failed assassination attempt in Copenhagen. Throughout the aftermath of this incident, and during all his previous tribulations, the artist has remained steadfast in his defense of free speech as an absolute. For the past eight years he has never retracted or groveled or apologized to Islam. His position in March 2015 remains the same as it was in July 2007.

In the fall of 2007, at the height of the initial controversy over “The Prophet as a Roundabout Dog”, someone asked Mr. Vilks if drawing the cartoon was worth dying for. In reply he said simply, “Yes, it is.”

That’s what makes him a hero.

I never had the privilege of meeting Mr. Vilks in person, but he was kind enough to send the following drawing to us, which he drew especially for Gates of Vienna:


Lars Vilks: Jan III Sobieski and a rondellhund at the Gates of Vienna

Rest in peace, Lars Vilks.

For previous posts on Lars Vilks and the Roundabout Dogs, see the Modoggie Archives.

Mohmadin’s Lamp

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Here’s a report from The Daily Sun with news on the latest violent extremist incident in New Zealand:

New Zealand Lampman Who Attacked Eight People Before Police Shot Him Dead Can Finally be Named

The ISIS-supporting terrorist who went on a battering rampage in a lighting store in New Zealand on Friday has been named as Mohammed Mahmoud Mehmet Mohmadin.

The 32-year-old Sudanese refugee was shot dead after clubbing eight people with lamps in Light of the World, a lighting business in east Auckland. Five of the victims were seriously wounded, with two receiving life-threatening injuries. Mr. Mohmadin is alleged to have shouted “Allahu Akhbar” during his rampage.

On Saturday morning numerous stores in Auckland removed lamps, flowerpots, wine racks, picture frames, teakettles, and other heavy objects from displays in response to the attack. Anti-terrorism experts have warned that such objects may be picked up and used as weapons opportunistically by terrorists. The bedding store Lullabies went so far as to remove pillows from its showrooms after Police Commissioner Beezle McFee warned retailers that a victim may be smothered to death with a pillow in as little as 90 seconds. He said that there have thus far been no terror attacks with pillows, but he fears that it is only a matter of time before one occurs.

Commissioner McFee defended his officers, and said there was no indication an attack was imminent when Mohmadin arrived at the store, adding that long-term surveillance is ‘difficult’.

In a bid to reassure the public, he vowed to increase police presence at lighting stores, bedding stores, supermarkets, gyms, restaurants, churches, and other locations where soft or heavy objects might be accessed by known extremists.

Police have not yet been able to determine a motive for the attack.

[Yes, the above article is satirical, at least for the time being. I used this report from The Daily Mail as a model (hat tip: Seneca III).]