El Inglés muses on the role Somalis (especially Somali women) will play in Britain after the Apocalypse finally arrives.
The Somalis, Post-Apocalypse
by El Ingles
The Somalis themselves, of course, will not realize that the apocalypse has come. Indeed, they will have no sense that anything untoward has happened at all. Fire, brimstone, blistering heat, pestilence, plunder and mayhem: to them it will just seem like a normal day back in the Old Country.
When Western countries finally collapse into Islamically-induced chaos, flaming crosses burn in the sky, and marauding bands of lunatics ravage town and countryside in search of a sack of grain or a packet of Crunchies, the Somalis will just be hanging out in the streets as usual, wondering why all the white people are acting funny.
Prudence dictates that we determine what to do with these people. Their menfolk will simply take the disappearance of law enforcement as an excuse to muck around all day, whacked out of their heads on khat and walking into traffic. Nonetheless, this leaves unresolved the question of what to do with the women. And ultimately, the choice is a simple one: eat or keep.
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Many white men will be familiar with that sudden wave of despair and panic that skitters across the surface of the brain when a Somali comes into view on the streets of a European city. Oh God, they’re here. Can’t we get rid of them? Who left the door open? All the more disturbing is the occasional flicker of recognition that some Somali birds are actually quite attractive. Even a foaming-at-the-mouth white supremacist like me has felt that familiar stirring upon seeing a fine Somali specimen on the streets of London. Reader, it is the only true form of cultural enrichment.
Our investigation of best-practice interactions with Somali females in post-apocalyptic situations has incorporated a wide array of stress-tested methodologies and techniques geared to leveraging our unique assets and experiences in optimising calorific intake vs. reproductive potential. We are therefore well-positioned to provide key stakeholders with necessary decision-making modalities in competitive, time-poor environments in which unrelated actors act not necessarily in the interests of said stakeholders. In this paper, we use real-world data to highlight the ways in which timely and appropriate decision-making in your interactions with Somali females could be the key to maximising the biological utility of both yourself and your posterity.
In other words, when the apocalypse is upon us, you will have to decide quite quickly whether to eat or keep a given Somali female, all the while fending off your neighbour’s attempts to strangle you and eat your intestines. Here we look at three ‘British’ Somali birds and try and decide whether they’re eaters or keepers. We’ve done the research so that you don’t have to. Let’s get stuck in.
Instagram girl and social media fireball, best-known for her retweeting of jokes mocking dark-skinned women
||Half-Swedish, so you can always play the ‘she’s not really black’ game when you bring her round to meet your parents.
||Stonking hot. I mean, Google her.
||Half-Somali, so you can always play the ‘I’m so daring, I’m with a black girl’ game when you’re down at the pub.
||Stonking hot, in case I didn’t already say it.
||Nothing springs to mind.
Verdict: A keeper for sure. Gets into trouble on Twitter, but that will be inactive anyway during the apocalypse. Stick her in the back of your wagon and tell your minions to take her to your castle.
Anti-FGM campaigner and Guardian-backed wunderkind