Don’t be a Superspreader This Thanksgiving!

I urge you to maintain proper social distancing at your Thanksgiving dinner.

Greet each other from a distance using hand signals or semaphore, with no personal contact.

Sit at least six feet apart from each other.

No passing food back and forth — the meal should be served in previously prepared portions sealed in individual plastic containers or pouches that have been sanitized before distribution.

Wear your masks between bites.

There should be no conversation during the meal. Instead, people may send text messages to each other via hand-held devices.

Singing, humming, whistling, and non-silent prayers should be completely avoided.

Enjoy yourself, and have a SAFE Thanksgiving!

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When I sent the future Baron these guidelines for a COVID-compliant Thanksgiving, he replied: “The sad thing is, this doesn’t sound like satire.”

I wrote back:

No, it’s not really. I just took the requirements from the diocesan “guidelines” for safe worship, and adapted them. And threw in a little sarcasm.

The latest innovation from the Episcopal Diocese of Southern Virginia is the fortuitous invention of the “singing mask”. Choral singing is allowed if the singers wear the singing mask. The congregation can’t sing, but a limited subset of the choir can (I forget how many, maybe ten or fewer). The singers must be spaced at least six feet from each other, and at least twenty feet from their audience.

And no, I’m not making this up.

Life is a Corona Cabaret, Old Chum

I don’t know about everyone else, but I need something to distract myself from the Election Madness that has currently seized the USA.

The following video is just the ticket. It features a cabaret song about the Wuhan Coronavirus by a German artist. Oz-Rita, who translated the video for subtitles, includes this introduction:

This video was recorded some two months ago, well before the less conformist among us woke up, so the guy really has guts. It subtly and musically attacks the (World/German) governments. It is a song, so the translation does not do it justice.

It was posted by Politically Incorrect, and this is how they introduced it:

Posted by PI Politik Spezial — Voice of Reason

Will Ludger K. (the artist) be allowed to perform after this video? It is doubtful.

Info about his performances at: www.ludger-k.de

I do not know if he has been allowed to perform since then.

Many thanks to Vlad Tepes and RAIR Foundation for the subtitling:

Video transcript:

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Behold the Fundament of the Prophet!

The video below shows outraged reactions to the display of hundreds of Charlie Hebdo cartoons of Mohammed’s posterior in a public place in France. Someone — possibly a multitude of someones — went to a lot of trouble to blaspheme the Prophet and offend Muslims, in response to last week’s beheading of the schoolteacher Samuel Paty.

Many thanks to MissPiggy for the translation, and to Vlad Tepes and RAIR Foundation for the subtitling.

NOTE: This video uses a vulgar word for the gluteus maximus, which is an appropriate translation of the French cul. That’s a special exception for this particular story; I’ll still redact the same American word (and its British equivalent) in the comments.

Video transcript:

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Wimp Your Ride

It’s well-established that the front ends of cars look like faces. Cartoonists have been exploiting the resemblance for over a century. Many modern SUVs seem to have faces like the helmets of Empire storm troopers in the Star Wars movies, but that may just be my idiosyncratic apperception of them.

When I was driving home from the Outer Boonies yesterday, the faces of the oncoming vehicles made me think: Those cars should be masked. And that gave me the idea for a business venture.

Now is the time for a shrewd entrepreneur to market face masks for vehicles. The ad copy could go something like this:

You protect yourself. You protect your wife. You protect your kids. Why does the family car deserve any less?

You owe it to your vehicle to keep it SAFE.

The masks should be made of durable, waterproof, porous fabric. It would probably be advisable to use them only during cold weather, but that should see us well through the election and into the violent madness that is sure to follow it.

And when the cop stops you and tells you you’re interfering with the air flow to your engine, you can say (through your mask): “Duh! You think so?”

People could make a statement about COVID-19 with their vehicles, all without contravening the WHO or being banned from Facebook and Twitter.

The masks could be manufactured in different colors and patterns, and even feature the logo of the manufacturer in the middle. Ford masks, Cadillac masks, Lamborghini masks.

If you can’t stay socially distanced from the car in front of you, you can at least have enough consideration to mask your SUV.

I’m too lazy to try to realize this project myself, so I offer it here for an ambitious entrepreneur to take up. I don’t know how much of a capital outlay it would entail, but it surely can’t be all that much.

The time has come for vehicle masking!

We all have the same goal: to flatten the curve in the road ahead of us.

Biden My Time

And now for something completely different…

Biden My Time

by JLH
(with apologies to George and Ira Gershwin)

I’m just Biden my ti-ime,
That’s the kinda guy I-I’m.
My mind’s not there,
But look at my hair!
Bein’ cute just ain’t no crime.

I go swimming ba-are.
When female security’s the-ere.
It isn’t flashing
Because I’m splashing.
They pretend I’m not there.

I am utterly fai-air,
Whenever females are the-ere.
Seventeen or seven,
It’s utterly heaven
To bury my schnoz in your hair.

Now I’m really on tra-ack
To get the Oval Office ba-ack.
Fall in with me.
If you don’t, you see,
That means you just ain’t black.

I go with the ti-ide.
That’s my favorite ri-ide.
I go with the flow.
I never say No.
My strength is flexible pride.

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“I am needing to speak with Mr. Edward”

I get a lot of spam phone calls, and the first line spoken by the caller after I say “Hello” is often something like the above. I probably don’t need to tell you that the esteemed gentleman on the other end of the line invariably sounds a lot like Apu, even though he identifies himself as “Dave” or “Mike”.

It’s remarkable how non-multicultural these phone spammers are. Their cultural region lies roughly within a triangle whose vertices may be found at Lahore, Dhaka, and Bangalore.

Such calls are always about Medicare. Either my insurance company or Medicare itself has sold my phone number to the telemarketers. The dodgy entity doing the calling is usually identified as “Medicare Services” or something similar, in an attempt to fool a geezer in his dotage into thinking that he’s talking to an official Medicare representative — who just happens to have immigrated recently from Mumbai — but without being legally liable for fraud.

If I’m in the middle of something, I just hang up on the guy. But if I’m in no hurry, I might play with him a little bit. Sometimes I say, “There’s nobody on Medicare in this house,” making sure that my voice holds a tone of earnest puzzlement. To which the caller sometimes responds with: “I am so sorry; I will take your number off the list.” Which I really like to hear.

Other times I say: “Mr. May died last week. This is his stepson Herbert. Is there anything I can help you with?” After which I receive the deep condolences of the caller before he hangs up.

Today’s call came just after lunch. I responded to his opening line with: “I’m sorry; my hearing is not good. I’m having trouble understanding you. Could you please put on someone who speaks English as his native language?”

Apu:   “But sir, is this not English which I am speaking to you?”
Baron:   “Yes, but it’s not your native language. Your native language is Urdu, or Hindi, or possibly Tamil. I need someone whose native language is ENGLISH.”
Apu:   “So, you are an American, then?”
Baron:   (Patient) “I need someone whose native language is English.”
Apu:   (Sarcastic) “Ah, then, so you are from England?”
Baron:   (Still patient) “Please put on someone who speaks English as their native language.”
Apu:   (Now angry) “You, sir, are a RACIST! Goodbye!”
 

And he hung up.

It was a very satisfying phone call.

A Looter’s Life for Me

Below is JLH’s latest topical pastiche in verse form.

A Looter’s Life for Me

by JLH
With apologies to Pinocchio and other blockheads

Hi diddle-dee-dee,
A looter’s life for me.
A full face mask and a baseball bat;
I’ll show those $%&!*#s where I’m at.

Hi diddle-dee-dee,
Anonymous funding for me.
Bashing elders is lots of fun;
If they don’t fall down, away I run.
Breaking windows done with care
So none of the glass gets in my hair.
It’s so much better than going to war.
It’s not some principle we’re fighting for,
But just the fun of being rash,
And maybe looting some extra cash.

Hi diddle-dee-dome,
The basement is my home.
When I get the call to go destroy,
It is a moment of utter joy.
I leave the game of killing orcs,
And join my fellow mayhem dorks.
We maim and destroy and sometimes kill—
Slaughtering folks is such a thrill.
We’re avenging angels for some rich guy
Who hates everything that he can’t buy.

Hey diddle dee dum,
That’s where progress comes from.

The Love Priest Welcomes Cultural Enrichment to Germany

Long-time readers will remember Tim Kellner, the former German police officer with decidedly politically incorrect opinions about immigration. In the following video Mr. Kellner reinvents himself as “The Love Priest” to welcome culture-enrichers to Germany in a highly sarcastic manner. (For a glimpse of the Love Priest before he became so pink and glittery, see this photo from 2017.)

Many thanks to MissPiggy for the translation, and to Vlad Tepes for the subtitling:

Video transcript:

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One More Midnight Ride

One More Midnight Ride

by JLH, with apologies to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Listen, people, and you shall hear
Of the coming of sickness and pain and fear.
By the 18th of April in 2020,
Folks who realize now are plenty:
How Communism as politely as you might wish
Served the world a plague on a petri dish.

It came by air, by land, by sea.
It breathed its ill on you and me.
A friendly hello and a warm embrace,
And millions were sick at a dizzying pace.
“Herd immunity” pray, what is that?
We’ll all find out in nothing flat.

“Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we die.”
No thanks, I’ll just stay home and get high.
In Italy, they’re singing; in Buffalo, they dance.
But six feet away and taking no chance.
Music reaches further than germs on the air.
If you have a tin ear, who said Life is fair?

The world is in lockdown, so it’s perfectly clear —
Let the prisoners out, they’ve nothing to fear.
If MS-13 should break in your door,
Just blow them away, that’s what guns are for.
Hoard toilet paper — more than enough,
So you can decorate your neighbor’s tree with the stuff.

Don’t breathe on your children; just wave as they pass.
Monopoly at six feet is a pain in the posterior.
“Meals cafeteria style—it just isn’t fair!
From six feet away, I can’t pull Sis’s hair!
“Mom! Tommy blew all his germs right at me!”
“From six feet away?” “He’s fanning them — see?’

Time to go shopping. Let’s put on face masks,
And nylon gloves for manual tasks.
Let’s all stay together — but not too close.
Six feet! When you pass someone hold your nose.
Fifteen person limit in the whole big store!
Our grouchy neighbor just went home and swore.

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A Surprise Change of Venue for the Democratic National Convention

The Democrats have abruptly decided to relocate this summer’s nominating convention. Here’s the story from The Washington Post:

In a surprise move, the Democratic National Committee has decided to relocate the party’s July convention to Wuhan, China.

The convention was scheduled to take place during the week of July 13th in Milwaukee. However, with the coronavirus pandemic raging through major American cities, it had become unclear whether an event of that size would be allowed to take place.

At a hastily-convened press conference in Washington D.C., DNC Chairman Tom Perez said, “Since the very beginning of the coronavirus crisis, the Democratic Party has admired the way China has handled the infection. Chinese officials acted promptly and decisively back in January, implementing stringent measures that curbed the spread of the disease. As a result, no new coronavirus cases have been reported in China for several weeks. With respect to the coronavirus, Wuhan is now the safest city to be in on the planet.

“It had become uncertain whether we would be able to hold the convention in Milwaukee in July, given the way the disease is trending. The Chinese government has made an excellent facility available to host the relocated convention. It’s a large building in Wuhan that was formerly used to manufacture funeral urns, for which purpose it is of course no longer needed.

“There will be plenty of time to refit the premises for the full participation of the international media, so you will be well taken care of there. All American journalists can expect the usual gracious Chinese hospitality — except for those malcontents who were recently expelled from the country, naturally, but that’s only a tiny minority.”

Lijian Zhao, an official spokesperson for the Chinese Ministry of Foreign Affairs, confirmed his government’s offer. He said further details of the arrangements will be announced in the coming weeks.