For Your Own Good, Keep Your Phone On!

Comrade citizens, your hand-held devices are necessary accessories that guarantee your rights in the Sustainable New Order!

People who don’t use their hand-held devices are assumed to be dangerous extremists and potential terrorists who need to be paid a visit by a Domestic Security SWAT team.

Let’s say you ride your bike to the GUM store to buy a pack of mealworms and some soy gruel. During your journey you are tracked by the CCTV cameras along the route, plus your bike is chipped, and communicates with the lamp posts and traffic lights all the way there and back.

And yet you don’t have your cell phone with you, comrade!

That is a violation of State Directive #4366-228JZ, which is punishable by two years’ forced labor at your local solar farm, cleaning the snow off the panels.

Better wise up, comrade! Put that phone in your pocket!

The above story is an obvious fantasy, since Comrade Citizen would be unable to purchase mealworms without using his CBDC on a hand-held device.

Get real, Baron!

Charlie Hebdo: We Paean Ayatollah Ali Khamenei

Eight years ago the editorial staff of the French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo took serious casualties as the result of an Al Qaeda terrorist attack on its offices in Paris. The Islamic action was in revenge for the magazine’s repeated publication of cartoons featuring Mohammed Pbuh, the prophet of Allah.

Charlie Hebdo has remained defiant in its publication of caricatures, and has just gotten itself in trouble again. This time, rather than going for the man at the top, the cartoonists are taking on one of Mohammed’s minions, the renowned Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the supreme leader of Iran. The occasion for the magazine’s new lampoons is the last several months of demonstrations, especially by women, against the mullahs’ regime.

The Iranian government has just made an official protest to France about Charlie Hebdo’s disrespect for its Führer. Many thanks to Gary Fouse for translating this article from the Belgian daily La Libre:

[Viewer warning above link— The message on one of the cartoons says, “Mullahs, go back to where you came from”.]

“This will not stand without an effective and firm response”: Iran warns Paris after the publication of “insulting” caricatures by Charlie Hebdo

Iran warned Paris on Wednesday that it would react after the publication of “insulting” caricatures of the supreme head of Iran, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, in the satirical French magazine Charlie Hebdo.

Earlier in the day the satirical weekly published dozens of caricatures featuring the highest religious and political personality of the Islamic Republic.

It concerns caricatures selected during the course of a competition launched in December, as demonstrations multiplied in Iran after the death in detention on September 16 of Mahsa Amini, a Kurdish woman arrested for allegedly violating the country’s strict dress code applied to women.

“The insulting and indecent act of a French publication in publishing caricatures against the religious and political authority will not stand without an effective and firm response,” declared the Iranian Minister of Foreign Affairs, Hossein Amir-Abdollahien, on Twitter.

In December, Charlie Hebdo had announced that this “international competition to produce caricatures of Khamenei was aimed at supporting the “Iranians who are fighting for their liberty”.

The authorities state that hundreds of people, including members of the security forces, have been killed and thousands of others arrested in what they generally describe as “riots”. They accuse foreign powers and opposition groups of stirring up trouble.

Charlie Hebdo published the caricatures in a special edition on the anniversary of the deadly attack against its Paris office on January 7, 2015, which was perpetrated by assailants declaring they acted in the name of Al Qaida to avenge the decision of the paper to publish caricatures of the Prophet Mohammad.

The publication of these caricatures caused a lot of anger in Muslim countries, and the 2015 attacks brought a wave of support for the magazine around the world.

Below is the Iranian press release, as linked by F Desouche, also translated by Gary Fouse:

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What’s Missing From This Picture?

The examples below (posted a little while ago at Vlad Tepes) are illustrative of the way the Western media would report on the massacre at Tiananmen Square if it were to happen today.

Wong Wing, a 30-year-old flight instructor, died suddenly today while away from his home. He is survived by his family, which is his wife and son. He will be missed.

Hu Flung Pu died suddenly this afternoon while seeming to attempt to direct traffic. He is survived by his wife and son and will be severely missed.

Wai So Dim passed away suddenly today while cleaning treads on a government vehicle. No cause of death is known and his family, which consists of his wife and son, are dumbstruck by his sudden passing. He was young and in the peak of good health.

No Pah King mysteriously passed away while just standing still this afternoon enjoying the sunshine. He was known to be in excellent health and people near him at the time say he was an excellent runner. He is survived by his wife and son who expressed deep understanding at Mr. King’s passing. He will be missed.

Hu Yu Hai Ding was discovered dead and mysteriously flat today at a government park. Cause of death not known but there has been an increase in reported deaths of people who are far flatter than is recommended for good health. Hu Yu was 19 at the time of his passing. He is survived by his mother and father, and wife who is expecting a son. The government has issued a warning not to stand near anything that may cause a person to become flatter than normal.

How Long was reported missing today after his wife found him covering a large section of a well-known public area. No cause of death is known but it has recently been determined that being young, healthy and athletic with no bad habits actually can be very bad for your health.

Low Fat, a 22-year-old nutritionist died suddenly today while sunning himself on a large concrete square. It is now said that sunshine and fresh air can be worse for your health than cigarette smoke and factory air. He is survived by his wife and son.

The Wonderful Land of Odd

Long-time readers will remember JLH as the tireless volunteer who over the years has translated hundreds of thousands of words in German for Gates of Vienna. However, he is also known for writing whimsical verse, in the tradition of Edward Lear and Ogden Nash. Below is his latest offering.

The Wonderful Land of Odd

by JLH

Oh, come with me to the Land of Odd,
Where everything’s Green, even if it’s not.
Where mighty turbines harness the gale
And create great power, unless they fail.

And if they, frozen, come crashing down,
Strewn like corpses on the ground,
They testify to the might of Man,
And everything he thinks he can.

Great solar panels with solar blaze,
Transmogrified before our gaze,
Send volts and watts through stubborn amps
To light up many hundred lamps.

So if they fry a few hundred birds,
The only laments will be from nerds,
Who follow the birds with cameras high,
To record their flight across the sky.

Mother Nature cannot avert,
What’s happening under her very skirt.
Global Warming is undeniable.
The science, we know, is quite reliable.

The Antarctic will be a swimming pool.
The Arctic will not be quite that cool.
The sea will swallow the coasts of the world.
Where children once frolicked tides will swirl.

But fear not, friend, we have your back.
Fixing it takes a simple hack.
Get rid of coal and oil and gas
And other things that will not last.

And if wind and sun no longer serve
To flatten the climatological curve,
Go out in the woods and pick,
When need is great, a bunch of sticks.

They’ll make a fire to warm and cook—
A little smoke we can overlook.
Renewable resource is now what matters.
Ignore the bacon when it spatters.

But save the grease to fry the eggs,
And do not throw away the dregs.
We’ll mix them into our pancake dough
And what comes next, you never know.

Making a Monkey Out of Us

Gerald Grosz is an Austrian politician for the BZÖ (Bündnis Zukunft Österreich, Alliance for the Future of Austria) and the FPÖ (Freiheitliche Partei Österreichs, Austrian Freedom Party). He is also a columnist and vlogger.

In the following video Mr. Grosz has a little fun at the expense of our simian friends and the current wave of media-driven monkeypox (Affenpocken) hysteria.

Many thanks to Hellequin GB for the translation, and to Vlad Tepes and RAIR Foundation for the subtitling:

Video transcript:

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Zelensky Converts to Islam

There’s some surprising news out of Ukraine this morning. Below is the report from the Associated Press:

Kyiv, April 1, 2022 (AP) — Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky convened a press conference today to announce that he has converted to Islam.

Mr. Zelensky said that he has spent the last three weeks in close consultation with Samer Afirov, the imam of the main mosque of Ukraine’s capital city, Kyiv. Imam Afirov is one of the hundreds of Crimean Muslims who fled their homes in Simferopol — which is 500 miles southeast of Kyiv — when Russia annexed the Crimea.

Mr. Zelensky expressed his appreciation for the imam’s knowledge and devotion. “With his help,” said the president, “I was able to understand righteousness and magnificence of Allah. I realized that in order to do the right thing for my country, I had to do what is right by Allah, as explained by His messenger Mohammed (peace be upon him).

“Although I come from a Jewish background, up until my conversion I had no religious inclinations and was basically an unbeliever. But now I have realized the error of my ways, and intend to rectify my earlier mistakes by fighting zealously in the way of Allah.

“And I also intend to help Christian Ukrainians see the error of their ways when they associate partners with Allah by worshipping the Trinity. The doctrine of tawhid tells us that Allah is one; He is without partners. There is none but He. All other beliefs are shirk, the sin of polytheism.

“With Allah’s help, our jihad will drive the infidel Russians from our land, insh’allah. Then, when Islam reigns supreme in Ukraine, there will be peace at last. Christians and Jews will be able to live in harmony within the Caliphate, aware of their protected status under Islamic law.

“With the help of Allah and his Messenger (peace be upon him) we shall be victorious!”