This post has been recycled from more than seventeen years ago, but somehow the jokes remain relevant.
So this Palestinian walks into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says, “What’ll it be, pal?”
The Palestinian goes, “BOOM!”
An American, an Israeli, and a Palestinian are marooned on a desert island.
The American goes to one side of the island and builds a church.
The Israeli goes to the other side of the island and builds a synagogue.
The Palestinian goes, “BOOM!”
A Palestinian travelling salesman is driving through the countryside when his car breaks down in the middle of the night.
He goes up to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door.
The farmer comes to the door and says, “What can I do for you, mister?”
The Palestinian…
Aw, heck! So you heard that one already, huh?
For some balance…
A jew bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.”
“Well, then, just give me my money back,” said the jew.
“Can’t do that,” replied the farmer. “I went and spent it already.”
“OK, then. Just unload the donkey.”
“What ya gonna do with him?”
“I’m going to raffle him off.”
“You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”
“Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”
A month later the farmer met up with the jew and asked, “Whatever happened with that dead donkey?”
“I raffled him off. I sold five hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.”
“Didn’t anyone complain?” asked the farmer.
“Just the guy who won,” said the jew. “So I gave him his two dollars back.”
I just came up with this one and decided to write it down. Anyway, here goes;
So, little Yassir carried out a suicide mission in front of a church in Europe and got himself killed. When he opened his eyes after having departed this world, he discovered to his great astonishment that he had ended up at the pearly gates and that Saint Peter was staring at him with a suspicious expression.
“So, what did you do to deserve to enter heaven?” Saint Peter asked.
Yassir wasn’t sure whether the truth would suffice, so he thought long and hard before he answered, trying to come up with a way to spin the story in his favour.
“Well,” he finally said. “I did a good deed today by ridding the world of some very evil oppressors.”
“Oh yeah? And what might that be?” Saint Peter enquired.
“I detonated a bomb outside a church and killed lots of people!”
“You did what? That can hardly be classified as a good deed!” Saint Peter exclaimed and gestured wildly with his hands. “Killing innocent civilians can never be portrayed as a good thing. I’ll send you straight to hell for that. Now, off you go and don’t come back!”
“But you don’t understand,” Yassir stammered nervously as some of the angels started dragging him away. “There was a pro Hamas demonstration outside that church and the bomb accidentally went off before I could make my way inside.”
One Palestinian mother to another while looking at Photo-albums of their sons.
The one proudly points at a photo and says;
“This is my Amir, he’ll be martyring during Chanukah.”
The other replies; ” What a strapping boy, that Martyre Vest fits him nicely.”
and carries on flicking through her photo-album.
Oh look, here’s my Hakim, he martyred last Shavuot.
Both;
‘Sigh’…… they blow up so fast.
May I join? I found it many years ago on the internet. (I modernized it a little bit…)
After an suicide attempt a muslim (lets call him Mustafa) finds himself before the Pearly Gates in the presence of St Peter.
St. Peter: You killed yourself. May God forgive you.
Mustafa: Great, so the bomb worked?
St. Peter: For everybodies sake: Not perfectly. You died but nobody else.
Mustafa: I knew it! Ali ben-Murksi, our bomb builder. is incompetent. Half his bombs dont work and the other half kills only the suicide bomber. May he burn in Hell.
(Murks means in german botch)
St. Peter: You killed yourself and nobody else. Thats why you are in Paradise and not in Hell.
Mustafa: What are you talking? Killing infidels makes sure you enter heaven. I now want my 72 virgins and icecream. Give me some strawberry icecream.
St. Peter: You are misguided. Half the psychiatrists in Heaven are treating muslims like you or their helpers. So you will recover.
Mustafa: What? Get me my Iman on the phone.
St. Peter: Sorry, he is one of the worse cases. He will needs lots of love and caring.
Mustafa: What about my commander Isa Ben muli?
St. Peter: Sorry, there is no Isa Ben Muli in heaven.
Mustafa: But he must be here. He killed lots of jews and other infidels with a suicide in Berlin.
St. Peter: Then he is in Hell. I shall call Lucifer.
Lucifer: I heard your conversation. Tell this lunatic that his so-called commander is here and he drives me insane. Add to this all the Greens, communists, Vaxx, Transgender etc fanatics. My devils are this little bit away from rebelling against me. Can you imagine that? Please, can you ask God that I may use the ultimate sanction, please?
St. Peter: I see what I can do. – Now, you see, that you are wrong?
Mustafa: I want my 72 virgins and I want them now!
St. Peter: We dont have any virgins except the Holy family. And of course the females of the Greens, and all the other political parties and Antifa, but all of them are in treatment.
Mustafa: (Slowly realizing reality) Ah yes, so can you please show me where my room is?
St. Peter: Yes, it is Apartment 752 in a nice building area with 500 victims of suicide bombings as your neighbours. – I see that they have asked for baseball bats and send an urgent invitation to you. They are very happy to meet you. – Hm, nobody showed any interest in baseball before it was announced you would live among them. – But nevertheless, welcome to heaven.
Mustafa: Ah, do you see a way for me how I can atone for my errors?
St. Peter: An atonement in your case, mh, now you can have a rebirth as a female muslim in a burqua…
Mustafa: No, please not!
St. Peter: or as a member of the directing board of the political party THE GREENS.
Mustafa: Thank you St. Peter. I choose the muslim woman in a burqua.
Some years back, there was a comedy series on BBC Radio 4 called “Old Harry’s Game” (after an old name for the Devil).
In one episode, one of Satan’s helpers wants his attention, and he tells them to hang on, as there are some suicide bombers arriving, and he loves seeing the expression on their faces when they realise where they are.
There is a cowboy, and Indian and a muslim sitting on a porch over looking the vast prairie. The indian gets up, and with a tear in his eye says, we were many and now we are few, the cowboy, just tilts his hat up and smiles, the muslim, not to be out done, says we are were few and now we are many and will take over with a smile on his face, the cowboy, now with a really big smile on his face, says, well we ain’t played cowboys and muslims yet.