The EU parliamentary elections are coming up shortly, so the German establishment is busy finding right-wing extremists under the bed — even if it has to roll out the bed and put them there itself.
Satirical Week in Review by Hans Heckel
May 4, 2019
Why confidential information is again filtering out of National Security, everywhere where danger is lurking, and why you too are an extreme rightist
Shocking reports come to us just in time for the approaching EU elections. One is about the increasing danger from right extremist “dangerous persons.” The second is about the increasing danger from the populace. According to the Federal Office for the Protection of the Constitution (BfV), a growing danger is coming from right extremists. That is according to a “confidential analysis” by that office made available to the Welt am Sonntag. Since Thomas Haldenweg took over from Hans-Georg Maaßen as head of the secret service, internal matters have been, accidentally of course, dribbling into the public arena, if they are of some political use.
Last summer, when the leading parties needed something to use against the AfD after a demonstration in Chemnitz, one spook misplaced the definition of “Alternative” as a “Test Case” directly into the hands of journalists. Indeed, such a classification as “test case” is confidential, but — oops! — something happened. And the EU elections are almost here — the ones in which the “right populists” could do very well. And, just in time, the next confidential information from the security forces lands on the desk of a Sunday gazette. Stuff happens!
What is in this analysis? We had hoped for fearful exposés, after hearing in connection with the Christchurch massacre of the existence of a “Fascist International” — a globally active, gigantic brown network. Instead, there are barely organized small groups and individuals. In other words, marginal individuals who drool at the sight of a Hitler picture, or dim-witted drinking buddies in attic rooms. BfV’s report must admit (in a whisper) that there is not much here. In elegant gobbledygook, it states that there were “gaps in planning and accomplishing.” In plain German, this means that these morons possibly had something evil in mind, but, luckily, didn’t have the brains to get it done. However it isn’t a good idea to be happy about this, because it doesn’t fit into the picture of a “growing danger.”
This danger can be demonstrated with hard facts. In January, by the BfV’s count, there were 31 “dangerous persons.” Two years ago, there were only 22. That is counting the types from the group “Revolution Chemnitz,” named in the exposé in Welt am Sonntag.
We were already terrified by these people months ago. They tried to inspect the IDs of people on Chemnitz’s Schlossteichinsel and later went after a group of Germans and foreigners with glass bottles, quartz-sand gloves and a cattle prod. The media were electrified, saying that the Chemnitzers were planning no less than upending the democratic system.
The ringleader was apprehended on the same day. A search of the revolutionary’s premises disclosed, to be sure, neither explosives nor firearms, but instead an air rifle and a billy club. Certainly a closer search would have uncovered one of those notorious blank-shooting guns, which — after a shot from middle distance (in the case of this weapon, ca. 3 to 6 centimeters) — can cause a hematoma the size of a freckle, which the victim could carry for life. Or at least for his next three days of life.
How an attack on the Schlossteichinsel was expected to incite a coup is a mystery. Connoisseurs of the affair presumed the attack was simply a trial run for the great putsch. How may we think about that? Did the Chemnitz “revolutionaries” intend to capsize the island as a “test run” for the overthrow of the “media dictatorship and their slaves” as their internet tirades called those in power in the land?
At any rate, the group is said to have tried to acquire semi-automatic weapons, but that failed — “gaps between planning and accomplishment,” you see. And meanwhile, eight of the group are sitting in jail.