After the fall of the Dutch cabinet and Mark Rutte’s retirement last month, The Netherlands will go to the polls in November to vote in a snap election. Our Dutch correspondent H. Numan has the grisly political details about what most likely lies ahead.
Bud Light elections in The Netherlands
by H. Numan
It’s official: on the 22nd of November the Dutch go to vote for a new government. It’ll be unique elections. Very unique elections, with no less than four major parties getting the Bud Light experience! It’s too soon to forecast anything more, especially when such a major change is in sight. So I’ll stick with what is certain to happen.
The breaker pays for the damage
In Dutch politics it’s customary that the party that caused the premature resignation of a cabinet pays for it. In the past the VVD conservatives were very capable of putting the blame on anyone but themselves and got away with it. Not this time. It’s not impossible that they may survive a major mauling and form part of a new coalition. But they will certainly have to pay for it this time. The only question is: how much?
1. The conservatives go down
Why is the VVD going down on the brown creek without paddles? The everlasting Dear Leader had to retire. He’s relatively young, so you can expect him to crawl from his political grave. But for now, he’s out of the running. Mark Rutte consistently removed anyone who could possibly replace him. Every crown prince or princess bit the dust. In big political parties there are more than enough nobodies and wannabes; they picked the minister of Justice Dilan Yesilgöz-Zegerius as their new leader.
Try saying that three times fast! Let’s call her mamma Ataturk, as she holds dual Turkish and Dutch nationality. As with most muslims, she prefers to be called by a Dutch-sounding name. She is the only noteworthy currently available and willing. Mamma Ataturk is going to campaign with the age-old lie: vote VVD mamma Ataturk for fewer muslim migrants. Doesn’t sound sincere, does it? What worked for Rutte won’t work for Ataturk. Looks like she is a volunteer sacrificial lamb. Or goat.
2. The Christian Democrats are history
Next on the list are the Christian Democrats. They abused and kicked out their very own Lazarus. The last elections (not that long ago) they got rid of the only man that easily could revive their pending doom. Not because Pieter Omtzigt had a different opinion, far from it. If anyone is toeing the party line, it’s him. But simply because they hated him. They ousted him not once, but twice. First by Fancy Shoes Hugo. Click the link. Yes, he really wears those shoes in public, even on formal occasions. He proved to be a disaster, and was quickly replaced by another nobody. That Mr. Nobody politely announced he won’t run. Who will replace him, no idea. The best the Christian Hypocrites can hope for is being halved in size. Anything more will require divine intervention.
3. D66 is getting a haircut
Make that a military haircut, marine style. D66 is a extremely woke party. As such, they are ready for the cleaners. Their leader was Sigrid Al-Qaq, who prefers to be called Sigrid Kaag. That’s better for votes. Openly stating she is a muslim convert would not be a wise move. D66 tried to kill two birds with one stone. Make her the first female as well as the first Dutch muslim prime minister. It failed. She had to settle for second best, as vice prime minister. Well, she left politics in a huff. The country doesn’t deserve her! For once, I agree.