The Somalis, Post-Apocalypse

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El Inglés muses on the role Somalis (especially Somali women) will play in Britain after the Apocalypse finally arrives.

The Somalis, Post-Apocalypse

by El Ingles

The Somalis themselves, of course, will not realize that the apocalypse has come. Indeed, they will have no sense that anything untoward has happened at all. Fire, brimstone, blistering heat, pestilence, plunder and mayhem: to them it will just seem like a normal day back in the Old Country.

When Western countries finally collapse into Islamically-induced chaos, flaming crosses burn in the sky, and marauding bands of lunatics ravage town and countryside in search of a sack of grain or a packet of Crunchies, the Somalis will just be hanging out in the streets as usual, wondering why all the white people are acting funny.

Prudence dictates that we determine what to do with these people. Their menfolk will simply take the disappearance of law enforcement as an excuse to muck around all day, whacked out of their heads on khat and walking into traffic. Nonetheless, this leaves unresolved the question of what to do with the women. And ultimately, the choice is a simple one: eat or keep.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

Many white men will be familiar with that sudden wave of despair and panic that skitters across the surface of the brain when a Somali comes into view on the streets of a European city. Oh God, they’re here. Can’t we get rid of them? Who left the door open? All the more disturbing is the occasional flicker of recognition that some Somali birds are actually quite attractive. Even a foaming-at-the-mouth white supremacist like me has felt that familiar stirring upon seeing a fine Somali specimen on the streets of London. Reader, it is the only true form of cultural enrichment.

Our investigation of best-practice interactions with Somali females in post-apocalyptic situations has incorporated a wide array of stress-tested methodologies and techniques geared to leveraging our unique assets and experiences in optimising calorific intake vs. reproductive potential. We are therefore well-positioned to provide key stakeholders with necessary decision-making modalities in competitive, time-poor environments in which unrelated actors act not necessarily in the interests of said stakeholders. In this paper, we use real-world data to highlight the ways in which timely and appropriate decision-making in your interactions with Somali females could be the key to maximising the biological utility of both yourself and your posterity.

In other words, when the apocalypse is upon us, you will have to decide quite quickly whether to eat or keep a given Somali female, all the while fending off your neighbour’s attempts to strangle you and eat your intestines. Here we look at three ‘British’ Somali birds and try and decide whether they’re eaters or keepers. We’ve done the research so that you don’t have to. Let’s get stuck in.

Maya Jama

Instagram girl and social media fireball, best-known for her retweeting of jokes mocking dark-skinned women

Advantages:

1.   Half-Swedish, so you can always play the ‘she’s not really black’ game when you bring her round to meet your parents.
2.   Stonking hot. I mean, Google her.
3.   Half-Somali, so you can always play the ‘I’m so daring, I’m with a black girl’ game when you’re down at the pub.
4.   Stonking hot, in case I didn’t already say it.
 

Disadvantages:

1.   Nothing springs to mind.
 

Verdict: A keeper for sure. Gets into trouble on Twitter, but that will be inactive anyway during the apocalypse. Stick her in the back of your wagon and tell your minions to take her to your castle.

Fahma Mohamed

Anti-FGM campaigner and Guardian-backed wunderkind

Advantages:

1.   Possesses a gigantic array of colourful hijabs.
2.   Looks weirdly stylish in a mortar board.
3.   Confident. Quite happy telling ministers of Her Majesty’s Government what to do.
 

Disadvantages:

1.   Is probably planning on doing PPE at Oxford and becoming Prime Minister.
 

Verdict: A keeper, but with reservations. If she starts causing trouble, eat her.

Zamzam Ibrahim

Goofy social-media starlet famous for advocating an Islamic takeover of the UK and the oppression of white people.

Advantages:

1.   Cool name.
2.   Cute. There, I said it, damn your eyes!
 

Disadvantages:

1.   Atrocious hybrid of Islamic whinger and left-wing ranter.
2.   Fled Somalia as a child and still thinks Islam is great.
 

Verdict: Eat. Regular rants about the vanguard of the proletariat would quickly negate her physical charms, even for those who lust after darker delights. Marinate well and consume.

For previous posts by El Inglés, see the El Inglés Archives.

32 thoughts on “The Somalis, Post-Apocalypse”

    • In order to see its value, you have to have read Jonathan Swift. I suggest his “A Modest Proposal”, which caused quite a stir when it was published.

    • Lighten up Cliff, I thought it was fabulous. One of the best posts I have read. I had to google the women concerned, not being from the UK.

  9. Well, the dissident movement is really made up of all kinds
    I just didn’t really expect a repressed antropophagus …
    Some just start digging when they hit bottom.
    Antifa wants to eat the Rich and the counterjihad eats dark women.
    Where is Sigmund when you need him?

  11. No value? – I do. E.g. this is hilariously funny (if nothing else):

    “When Western countries finally collapse into Islamically-induced chaos, flaming crosses burn in the sky, and marauding bands of lunatics ravage town and countryside in search of a sack of grain or a packet of Crunchies, the Somalis will just be hanging out in the streets as usual, wondering why all the white people are acting funny.”

  12. I’m not sure that I found this to be in the best of taste. Leftards could use it against us, and we have enough battles to fight with them without needing to add useless ones that distract from the main cause.

    For the record, I also find Somali women to be very beautiful, so El Ingles isn’t alone on that! Ethiopian and Erithrean women are similarly gorgeous. Ethiopian Jews (quite numerous in some Israeli cities) are also head-turners.

    (As an aside, I’ve found Ethiopians and Erithreans quite easy to get along with, at least the ones in Toronto.)

    • They can’t match an attractive Dutch or Scandinavian woman. Or Indochinese for that matter. Maybe that’s part of the reason I was not impressed with the writing.

  13. Oh, Lordy ! Brilliant. Thank you.

    El Ingles : where have I been all your life ? I’ve read a number of your other submissions to G of V, and enjoyed / learned from them, but this takes the cake. Love it!

    You’ve made my day / week / month, better than Dirty Harry Callahan (another good Irishman) warmed the hearts of his co-fascist-pig cop brothers. In our current predicament, a little humour goes a long way, and we all need some comic relief. Better to laugh than cry … and I’m tired crying. Everything else these days seems to bring on crying jags, and I’m not given to tears.

  14. Made my night, through road fatigue and a wicked chest cold.

    Is there an English peer to sriracha sauce?

  17. Ties in with too much real-life bestial cruelty in Somalia to have any amusing quality. Just tasteless. I also am not a fan of Swift, so figures. My problem with Swift is that one senses he is dead serious about his misanthropy. The satire doesn’t cancel that out. The same undercurrent is (to me) present here. The combination of sexual use and cannibalism is especially unpleasant. It’s a kind of mental pollution that Gates of Vienna usually is blissfully free of. Lars von Trier is a notorious example of the same devilish travesty, leading people into ways of thinking / the use of images which in themselves degrade the thinker – on the pretense of “just joking about it”. Trier is (or was once) capable of producing good jokes. But he puts something else in there with them that preys on you.

    * Backs away *

    • Jean – We can’t help what we’re amused by can we? I found El Ingles’ piece very funny indeed and there was a time when I would have called Swift my favourite author for his biting wit and the elegance of his writing. Unfortunately I have to agree with you about Swift’s real misanthropy and a similar undercurrent in El Ingles’ humour but I am glad that both have been published and am grateful to GoV for giving El Ingles a platform.

      You must be a conservative in merely backing away. A progressive would demand immediate no-platforming.

      • ECAW

        Exactly. The civilized person just backs away and reads something he prefers. 🙂 Because his aim is not to dominate others, but merely to make his own choices. And sometimes to express why he makes them. This in no way hinders others making theirs.

  18. El Inglés is usually good, but this article was a bad mistake in two ways. 1) It is not funny or Swiftian, it is depraved and tending towards the psychotic. 2) Leftists can (will, I predict) use it to smear GoV.

    And I think they’ll be justified. Just ask yourself: If a Muslim site published the same article, but with “Christian / white women” replacing “Somali women”, how would you react?

    • It was perhaps brave to publish it, but I’m glad it was.
      A Muslim site would be unlikely to reciprocate, irony being little known to them.

      • A Muslim site would be unlikely to reciprocate, irony being little known to them.

        You don’t seem to understand what irony means. Swift valued Irish lives and was being ironic when he advocated eating Irish children. His target was those people who did not value Irish lives. El Inglés does not value Somali lives and his “modest proposal” is not an ironic inversion of his true attitudes. It is an exaggeration of his true attitudes. And a depraved and unfunny exaggeration.

        His intended target was lefties, but lefties will be delighted to have such a gift handed to them. Islamophobic site “ironically” advocates eating Somali women! More proof of the mental illness, depravity and hate that flourish among Islamophobes! Remember Breivik! etc, etc, etc

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