Once upon a time I ordered a nifty “gun” for my son. In truth, it was really for me but it had his name on the package under the Christmas tree. This gun shot a goodly amount of ping-pong balls before you had to collect the lot and reload. On snowy days when one was forced to stay indoors, those little balls ponged so lightly off their targets that nary a lamp was offended.

Ever since then we’ve been on the Hammacher-Schlemmer mailing list. It continues to be one of my favorite magazines: figuring out what gizmo has pride of place on the cover is fun. They never reveal the page so you’re forced to thumb through all the tempting “stuff” we Americans didn’t know we needed until we saw them on those pages meanwhile trying to stay on task to find the Mystery Object.

I’ve long since surrendered our email to them (I bought some Civil War maps on sale last year) so a not-too-burdensome number of advertisements also arrive our In Box. Today’s, for instance, was irresistible. I offer it to those of you who are not landlocked and have money to burn in quantity. Don’t they look like a must-have for John Kerry?

NOTE:The government will check you out before you may acquire these cool boots. So pay up any parking tickets you’ve “forgotten” and discretion would advise a quick check to be sure your library books aren’t overdue.

The Aquatic Thrust Boots

Description (I kid you not)

This is the patented diver propulsion system currently used by the U.S. military for combat swimmer applications. Only available from Hammacher Schlemmer for recreational use by U.S. citizens within U.S. territorial waters, its advanced design requires purchase approval from the U.S. Department of State. The system’s twin 6″-diam. thrusters mount to the outside of a diver’s lower thighs just above the knees while its power source and throttle setting secures around the waist. With a maximum underwater speed of 3 1/2 knots, the thrusters’ brushless electric motors provide virtually silent yet powerful operation that relegates diving fins to controlling attitude and direction. Unlike other handheld propulsion systems, this one provides hands-free operation, one of the reasons the military prefers it for reconnaissance, search and rescue operations, and hull inspections—and why they are ideal for snorkeling. Its lithium-ion battery provides a range that exceeds two miles; an extra battery may be carried and “hot swapped” underwater to extend operation. Compatible with commercial diving gear. Special conditions and guarantee limitations apply.

Item 12344 Price $31,500

It doesn’t say what the tax bite is on this equipment. One can only guess that it’s substantial. As for ROI, it just depends on how many fish you bring home for dinner and how often. Maybe thirty years if you go out every day??

Oookay…this ought to make the Baron’s Christmas shopping decisions easy, eh?