Look, Ma, I’m a Quarterback!

On a lighter note…

This joke just came in from the Lurker From Tulsa.

But it’s not credible. It’s totally unrealistic, because being a quarterback means this dude has to touch pigskin:

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions.

Yeah, I know that’s a stretch, but work with me here. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.


He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.


Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.


“I’ve got to get this guy!” Coach said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as an unprecedented football hero, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”

“I don’t want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. “You deserted us. You are not my son!”

“I don’t think you understand, Mother,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world! I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans!”

“No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!”

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says…

– – – – – – – –

“I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!”

4 thoughts on “Look, Ma, I’m a Quarterback!

  1. Hey, I don’t blame Momma. She’s right!

    Not too long ago, the print edition of The Weekly Standard ran a memorable pictorial essay by Matt Labash:

    The City Where the Sirens Never Sleep

    Here are a few facts the author collected:

    “…In a city often known as the nation’s murder capital, with over 10,000 unsolved murders dating back to 1960, the police are in shambles through cutbacks and corruption trials. (They have a profitable sideline, though, as one of the nation’s largest gun dealers, having sold 14 tons of used weapons out-of-state.) Their response times are legendarily slow. Their crime lab is so inept that it has been closed. One Detroit man found police so unresponsive when trying to turn himself in for murder that he hopped a bus to Toledo and confessed there instead.

    …Detroit schools haven’t ordered new textbooks in 19 years. Students have reported having to bring their own toilet paper. Teachers have reported bringing hammers to class for protection. Declining enrollment has forced 67 school closures since 2005 (more than a quarter of the city’s schools). The graduation rate is 24.9 percent, the lowest of any large school district in the country.

    …[City Council head] Monica Conyers, wife of congressman John Conyers,…has managed to get in a barroom brawl, threatened to shoot a mayoral staffer as well as have him beaten up, and twice called a burly and bald fellow council member “Shrek” during a public hearing. But with all the problems facing the city, the council still found time to pass a nonbinding resolution supporting the impeachment of George W. Bush.

    How bad is Detroit? It once gave the keys to the city to Saddam Hussein.

    Over the last several years, it has ranked as the most murderous city, the poorest city, the most segregated city, as the city with the highest auto-insurance rates, with the bleakest outlook for workers in their 20s and 30s, and as the place with the most heart attacks, slowest income growth, and fewest sunny days. It is a city without a single national grocery store chain. It has been deemed the most stressful metropolitan area in America…”

    The pictures (only available in the print edition)that accompany his essay are harrowing. Large swathes of abandoned, wrecked houses are scattered between fields of tall, rank weeds. The scenes are reminescent of photos from war zones in Central Europe.

    The heart of the city has been eaten out by vampires while the rich stay in near by enclaves like Grosse Point or Bloomfield Hills.

    The wiki on BH says:

    Bloomfield Hills consistently ranks as one of the top five wealthiest cities in the United States with population between 2,500 to 9,999 — it currently is listed at the number four position and in 1990 it was ranked number two[6], and has the highest income of any city outside of California, Connecticut, or Florida. The median income for a family is over $200,000…

    Meanwhile, Detroit is called “the ashtray of America…”

    The waste and horror are enough to make one a socialist…

    Well, not quite, since The Acton Institute operates from there.

  2. .
    That’s great, thanks for the laugh. Detroit sounds like a real socialist ‘utopia’. Imagine if America was/becomes like Detroit.

    absurd thought –
    God of the Universe says
    practice throwing hand grenades

    then move to America
    and become BIG football star

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