The Funny Side of Islam: Muhammad and the Hadith

The Fjordman Report

The noted blogger Fjordman is filing this report via Gates of Vienna.
For a complete Fjordman blogography, see The Fjordman Files. There is also a multi-index listing here.

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Iranian Islamic leader the Ayatollah Khomeini once said that “There is no fun in Islam.” I disagree. Islam can be quite funny; it just isn’t intended to be so. I have long said that Islam’s weakest point is mockery. Any enemy will reveal what he fears the most, if you listen to him closely. Muslims fear criticism or mockery of their religion more than they fear death. Well, if mockery is what they fear above all else, maybe that’s exactly what we should give them?

The KoranThe good thing about Islam is that you don’t actually have to mock it, Islam mocks itself. To demonstrate the funny side of Islam, I will quote a number of authentic hadith, exclusively taken from the major collections of Bukhari and al-Muslim. These are the most important religious texts for a billion Sunni Muslims, second only to the Koran itself.

The Sunna of Muhammad, his personal example, is mainly contained in extra-Koranic sources, especially the hadith (plural: ahadith). Even the practices of prayer and pilgrimage are to a very large extent based on information from the hadith literature. One should always be careful with using Wikipedia as a source, but their entry on the five pillars of Islam is reasonably accurate:

Five Pillars of Islam is the term given to the five duties incumbent on every Muslim. These duties are:

The Five Pillars of Islam

1)   Shahadah (profession of faith)
2)   Salat (ritual prayer five times each day)
3)   Sawm (fasting during Ramadan)
4)   Zakat (Islamic tax or tithing)
5)   Hajj (Pilgrimage to Mecca at least once during life).

These practices are essential to Sunni Islam. Shi’a Muslims subscribe to eight ritual practices which substantially overlap with the Pillars. The concept of five pillars is taken from the Hadith collections, notably those of Sahih Al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim. The Qur’an does not speak of five pillars, although one can find in it scattered references to their associated practices.

The Shias have their own hadith collections. They differ from the Sunnis in some respects in terms of theology, but not by much when it comes to violence and aggression against non-Muslims. For instance, here is a speech by Khomeini from 1981:

“Why do you only read the Quranic verses of mercy and do not read the verses of killing? Quran says; kill, imprison! Why are you only clinging to the part that talks about mercy? Mercy is against God. Mehrab means the place of war, the place of fighting. Out of the mehrabs, wars should proceed, just as all the wars of Islam used to proceeded out of the mehrabs. The Prophet has [had] sword to kill people. Our [Holy] Imams were quite military men. All of them were warriors. They used to wield swords; they used to kill people. We need a Khalifa who would chop hands, cut throat, stone people in the same way that the messenger of God used to chop hands, cut throats, and stone people. In the same way that he massacred the Jews of Bani Qurayza because they were a bunch of discontent people. If the Prophet used to order to burn a house or exterminate a tribe, [then] that was justice.”

At the mainstream Sunni website IslamOnline, Dr. Khalid Alvi answers a question as to whether there is any need for hadith. According to him, the Koran contains dozens of reminders of the important position of Muhammad, and “No one remains Muslim if he does not accept the Prophet’s decisions and judgments.”

As Alvi writes, “The Qur’an, while pressing the Muslims to obey the Prophet, goes a step further when it announces that the Prophethood of Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) is above all the limitations of time and space. He is the Last Prophet and is a Messenger of Allah for the whole of humanity for all time to come. Hadith is nothing but a reflection of the personality of the Prophet, who is to be obeyed at every cost. Any student of the Qur’an will see that the Qur’an generally deals with the broad principles or essentials of religion, going into details in very rare cases. The details were generously supplied by the Prophet himself, either by showing in his practice how an injunction is to be carried out, or by giving an explanation in words.”

The great Hungarian orientalist Ignác Goldziher has cast doubt on the authenticity of the hadith literature, but according to other scholars, much of the same can be said about the Koran as well, which was probably completed far later, and with far more changes, than Muslims would like us to believe. Some of the Koran may even be based on pre-Islamic texts.

And as Hugh Fitzgerald of Jihad Watch asks, “who is going to red-pencil a number of the most ‘authentic’ Hadith, or perhaps throw them out altogether, and while we are at it, throw out the Sira (the biography, in the basic Muslim version, of Muhammad)? Who will declare it done? And how could it possibly be accepted? It can’t, and holding out such hope to naïve Infidels is meretricious and sinister.”

It is true that Muslim reformists do exist, though they are numerically marginal, who from time to time will argue for downplaying or ignoring the hadith and the Sunna in favor of relying on the Koran alone. I personally doubt whether they will succeed in reforming Islam in this way, as this will be viewed as heresy by people who follow the traditional interpretation of Islamic law, where heresy is punishable by death.

Sheikh TantawiSheikh Tantawi, leader of Al-Azhar in Cairo, the most important center of learning for Sunni Muslims, attacked the Sunna deniers, calling them “ignoramuses, liars, and hypocrites” and warning the public not to listen to their views. In statements delivered on November 5, 2004 at a conference organized by the Supreme Council for Islamic Affairs, Sheikh Tantawi said, “The attack on the Sunna is a means employed by the enemies of Islam for the [upcoming] attack on the Koran, because the Sunna is only a clarification of the laws appearing in the Koran… Thus, anyone who raises doubts about the prophetic Sunna as a source of legislation is acting according to a plan that is hostile to Islam… We have no life, future, or greatness among the societies except by clinging to the Koran and the Sunna. It is incumbent upon us all to stand in one rank and in one thought against anyone who attacks and denies the Sunna, because the laws [regarding matters] between man and Allah are not correct without the Sunna that explains in detail the rules and clarifies the things that are important.”

We should remember, from a theological point of view, that the Koran on quite a few occasions orders Muslims to follow the example of Muhammad, and most of his Sunna is contained in extra-Koranic sources, especially in the hadith. If you remove these, Islam will essentially collapse as a recognizable religion. Moreover, the Koran contains dozens of Jihad-verses and other verses advocating violence and intolerance against non-Muslims. Even if you ignored the entire hadith literature, a religion based on the Koran alone would still be the most aggressive major religion on earth.

In order to put the hadith into perspective, let me quote one of the most pro-Islamic writers in existence, John L. Esposito. In his book Islam: The Straight Path, Esposito says about Muhammad:

“He was revered from earliest times: Muslims remembered and recounted what he said and did. Both during his lifetime and throughout the following centuries, Muhammad has served as the ideal model for Muslim life, providing the pattern that all believers are to emulate. He is, as some Muslims say, the ‘living Quran’ — the witness whose behavior and words reveal God’s will. Thus the practices of the Prophet became a material source of Islamic law alongside the Quran. Muslims look to Muhammad’s example for guidance in all aspects of life: how to treat friends as well as enemies, what to eat and drink, how to make love and war. Nowhere is this seen more clearly than in the growth of Prophetic traditions.”

In Esposito’s view, “His impact on Muslim life cannot be overestimated, since he served as both religious and political head of Medina: prophet of God, ruler, military commander, chief judge, lawgiver. As a result, the practice of the Prophet, his Sunna or example, became the norm for community life. Muslims observed and remembered stories about what the Prophet said and did. These reports or traditions (hadith) were preserved and passed on in oral and written form. The corpus of hadith literature reveals the comprehensive scope of Muhammad’s example; he is the ideal religiopolitical leader as well as the exemplary husband and father. Thus when many Muslims pray five times each day or make the pilgrimage to Mecca, they seek to pray as the Prophet prayed, without adding or subtracting from the way Muhammad is reported to have worshipped. Traditions of the Prophet provide guidance for personal hygiene, dress, eating, marriage, treatment of wives, diplomacy, and warfare.”

As Turkey’s leader Mustafa Kemal Atatürk is reported to have said, “Islam, this absurd theology of an immoral Bedouin, is a rotting corpse which poisons our lives.” The following quotes, with links, are from authentic hadith with sayings by or about Muhammad, according to Muslims the “living Koran,” the most perfect human being who has ever lived. Until the end of time, we should all emulate the way he eats, farts, or kills his enemies for mocking him. Some of these nuggets are hysterically funny, some less so. But whatever you do, don’t laugh when reading this. That makes you a dangerous Islamophobe according to the United Nations, and Muslims across the world want you dead for insulting their prophet.


Volume 1, Book 11, Number 662:
– – – – – – – –
Narrated Anas:

The Prophet said, “Listen and obey (your chief) even if an Ethiopian whose head is like a raisin were made your chief.”

Volume 8, Book 76, Number 505:

Narrated ‘Abdullah bin ‘Umar:

I heard Allah’s Apostle saying, “People are just like camels, out of one hundred, one can hardly find a single camel suitable to ride.”

Volume 7, Book 65, Number 356:

Narrated Sad:

Allah’s Apostle said, “He who eats seven ‘Ajwa dates every morning, will not be affected by poison or magic on the day he eats them.”

Book 028, Number 5612:

Buraida reported on the authority of his father that Allah’s Apostle (may peace be upon him) said: He who played chess is like one who dyed his hand with the flesh and blood of swine.

Volume 7, Book 67, Number 403:

Narrated Ibn Abi Aufa:

We participated with the Prophet in six or seven Ghazawat, and we used to eat locusts with him.

Volume 7, Book 72, Number 747:

Narrated Abu Huraira:

Allah’s Apostle said, “If you want to put on your shoes, put on the right shoe first; and if you want to take them off, take the left one first. Let the right shoe be the first to be put on and the last to be taken off.”

Volume 4, Book 52, Number 105:

Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, “If somebody keeps a horse in Allah’s Cause motivated by his faith in Allah and his belief in His Promise, then he will be rewarded on the Day of Resurrection for what the horse has eaten or drunk and for its dung and urine.”

Volume 1, Book 4, Number 238:

Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, “A wound which a Muslim receives in Allah’s cause will appear on the Day of Resurrection as it was at the time of infliction; blood will be flowing from the wound and its color will be that of the blood but will smell like musk.”

The Prophet said, “You will meet Allah barefooted, naked, walking on feet, and uncircumcised.”

Volume 4, Book 54, Number 537:

Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said “If a house fly falls in the drink of anyone of you, he should dip it (in the drink), for one of its wings has a disease and the other has the cure for the disease.”

Volume 7, Book 65, Number 366:

Narrated Ibn ‘Abbas:

The Prophet said, ‘When you eat, do not wipe your hands till you have licked it, or had it licked by somebody else.”

Volume 7, Book 72, Number 754:

Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet forbade the wearing of a gold ring.

Volume 7, Book 71, Number 636:

Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, “The effect of an evil eye is a fact.” And he prohibited tattooing

Volume 4, Book 54, Number 536:

Narrated Abu Huraira:

Allah’s Apostle said, “Once while a prophet amongst the prophets was taking a rest underneath a tree, an ant bit him. He, therefore, ordered that his luggage be taken away from underneath that tree and then ordered that the dwelling place of the ants should be set on fire. Allah sent him a revelation:— “Wouldn’t it have been sufficient to burn a single ant? (that bit you)

Volume 7, Book 65, Number 362:

Narrated ‘Abdul ‘Aziz:

It was said to Anas “What did you hear the Prophet saying about garlic?” Anas replied, “Whoever has eaten (garlic) should not approach our mosque.”

Volume 1, Book 4, Number 210:

Narrated Ibn ‘Abbas:

Allah’s Apostle drank milk, rinsed his mouth and said, “It has fat.”

Volume 1, Book 4, Number 245:

Narrated Abu Burda:

My father said, “I came to the Prophet and saw him carrying a Siwak in his hand and cleansing his teeth, saying, ‘U’ U’,” as if he was retching while the Siwak was in his mouth.”

Volume 7, Book 65, Number 368:

Narrated Abu Umama:

Whenever the dining sheet of the Prophet was taken away (i.e., whenever he finished his meal), he used to say: “Al-hamdu lillah kathiran taiyiban mubarakan fihi ghaira makfiy wala muwada’ wala mustaghna’anhu Rabbuna.”

Volume 7, Book 69, Number 535:

Narrated Thumama bin Abdullah:

Anas used to breathe twice or thrice in the vessel (while drinking) and used to say that the Prophet; used to take three breaths while drinking.

Volume 1, Book 4, Number 143:

Narrated Ibn ‘Abbas:

The Prophet said, “If anyone of you on having sexual relations with his wife said (and he must say it before starting) ‘In the name of Allah. O Allah! Protect us from Satan and also protect what you bestow upon us (i.e. the coming offspring) from Satan, and if it is destined that they should have a child then, Satan will never be able to harm that offspring.”

Volume 8, Book 77, Number 594:

Narrated Anas bin Malik:

The Prophet said, “Allah puts an angel in charge of the uterus and the angel says, ‘O Lord, (it is) semen! O Lord, (it is now ) a clot! O Lord, (it is now) a piece of flesh.’ And then, if Allah wishes to complete its creation, the angel asks, ‘O Lord, (will it be) a male or a female? A wretched (an evil doer) or a blessed (doer of good)? How much will his provisions be? What will his age be?’ So all that is written while the creature is still in the mother’s womb.”

Volume 4, Book 54, Number 433:

Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, “On every Friday the angels take heir stand at every gate of the mosques to write the names of the people chronologically (i.e. according to the time of their arrival for the Friday prayer and when the Imam sits (on the pulpit) they fold up their scrolls and get ready to listen to the sermon.”

Sahih Bukhari, Volume 1, Book 11, Number 660:

Quote: Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, “Isn’t he who raises his head before the Imam afraid that Allah may transform his head into that of a donkey or his figure (face) into that of a donkey?”

Volume 1, Book 4, Number 174:

Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, “A man saw a dog eating mud from (the severity of) thirst. So, that man took a shoe (and filled it) with water and kept on pouring the water for the dog till it quenched its thirst. So Allah approved of his deed and made him to enter Paradise.” And narrated Hamza bin ‘Abdullah: My father said. “During the lifetime of Allah’s Apostle, the dogs used to urinate, and pass through the mosques (come and go), nevertheless they never used to sprinkle water on it (urine of the dog.)”

Volume 4, Book 54, Number 494:

Narrated Ibn Umar:

Allah’s Apostle said, “When the (upper) edge of the sun appears (in the morning), don’t perform a prayer till the sun appears in full, and when the lower edge of the sun sets, don’t perform a prayer till it sets completely. And you should not seek to pray at sunrise or sunset for the sun rises between two sides of the head of the devil (or Satan).”

Volume 7, Book 71, Number 619:

Narrated Nazi’:

Abdullah bin ‘Umar said, “The Prophet said, ‘Fever is from the heat of Hell, so put it out (cool it) with water.’ “ Nafi’ added: ‘Abdullah used to say, “O Allah! Relieve us from the punishment,” (when he suffered from fever).

Volume 9, Book 87, Number 123:

Narrated Anas:

The Prophet said, “Whoever has seen me in a dream, then no doubt, he has seen me, for Satan cannot imitate my shape.

Volume 9, Book 87, Number 124:

Narrated Abu Qatada:

The Prophet said, “A good dream is from Allah, and a bad dream is from Satan. So whoever has seen (in a dream) something he dislike, then he should spit without saliva, thrice on his left and seek refuge with Allah from Satan, for it will not harm him, and Satan cannot appear in my shape.”

Volume 4, Book 54, Number 513:

Narrated Abu Qatada:

The Prophet said, “A good dream is from Allah, and a bad or evil dream is from Satan; so if anyone of you has a bad dream of which he gets afraid, he should spit on his left side and should seek Refuge with Allah from its evil, for then it will not harm him.”

Volume 2, Book 21, Number 245:

Narrated ‘Abdullah :

A person was mentioned before the Prophet (p.b.u.h.) and he was told that he had kept on sleeping till morning and had not got up for the prayer. The Prophet said, “Satan urinated in his ears.”

Volume 4, Book 54, Number 509:

Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, “Yawning is from Satan and if anyone of you yawns, he should check his yawning as much as possible, for if anyone of you (during the act of yawning) should say: ‘Ha’, Satan will laugh at him.”

Volume 4, Book 54, Number 516:

Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, “If anyone of you rouses from sleep and performs the ablution, he should wash his nose by putting water in it and then blowing it out thrice, because Satan has stayed in the upper part of his nose all the night.”

Volume 1, Book 1, Number 2:

Narrated ‘Aisha:

(the mother of the faithful believers) Al-Harith bin Hisham asked Allah’s Apostle “O Allah’s Apostle! How is the Divine Inspiration revealed to you?” Allah’s Apostle replied, “Sometimes it is (revealed) like the ringing of a bell, this form of Inspiration is the hardest of all and then this state passes ‘ off after I have grasped what is inspired. Sometimes the Angel comes in the form of a man and talks to me and I grasp whatever he says.” ‘Aisha added: Verily I saw the Prophet being inspired Divinely on a very cold day and noticed the Sweat dropping from his forehead (as the Inspiration was over).

Volume 6, Book 61, Number 558:

Narrated Aisha:

Allah’s Apostle heard a man reciting the Qur’an at night, and said, “May Allah bestow His Mercy on him, as he has reminded me of such-and-such Verses of such-and-such Suras, which I was caused to forget.”

Volume 6, Book 61, Number 550:

Narrated Abdullah:

The Prophet said, “It is a bad thing that some of you say, ‘I have forgotten such-and-such verse of the Qur’an,’ for indeed, he has been caused (by Allah) to forget it. So you must keep on reciting the Qur’an because it escapes from the hearts of men faster than camel do.”

Volume 6, Book 61, Number 552:

Narrated Abu Musa:

The Prophet said, “Keep on reciting the Qur’an, for, by Him in Whose Hand my life is, Quran runs away (is forgotten) faster than camels that are released from their tying ropes.”

Salman reported that it was said to him: Your Apostle teaches you about everything, even about excrement. He replied: Yes, he has forbidden us to face the Qibla at the time of excretion or urination, or cleansing with right hand or with less than three pebbles, or with dung or bone.

Volume 5, Book 58, Number 200:

Narrated Abu Huraira:

That once he was in the, company of the Prophet carrying a water pot for his ablution and for cleaning his private parts. While he was following him carrying it(i.e. the pot), the Prophet said, “Who is this?” He said, “I am Abu Huraira.” The Prophet said, “Bring me stones in order to clean my private parts, and do not bring any bones or animal dung.” Abu Huraira went on narrating: So I brought some stones, carrying them in the corner of my robe till I put them by his side and went away. When he finished, I walked with him and asked, “What about the bone and the animal dung?” He said, “They are of the food of Jinns. The delegate of Jinns of (the city of) Nasibin came to me—and how nice those Jinns were—and asked me for the remains of the human food. I invoked Allah for them that they would never pass by a bone or animal dung but find food on them.”

Volume 1, Book 4, Number 144:

Narrated Anas:

Whenever the Prophet went to answer the call of nature, he used to say, “Allah-umma inni a’udhu bika minal khubuthi wal khaba’ith i.e. O Allah, I seek Refuge with You from all offensive and wicked things (evil deeds and evil spirits).”

Volume 1, Book 4, Number 145:

Narrated Ibn ‘Abbas:

Once the Prophet entered a lavatory and I placed water for his ablution. He asked, “Who placed it?” He was informed accordingly and so he said, “O Allah! Make him (Ibn ‘Abbas) a learned scholar in religion (Islam).”

Volume 1, Book 4, Number 146:

Narrated Abu Aiyub Al-Ansari:

Allah’s Apostle said, “If anyone of you goes to an open space for answering the call of nature he should neither face nor turn his back towards the Qibla; he should either face the east or the west.”

Volume 1, Book 4, Number 147:

Narrated ‘Abdullah bin ‘Umar:

People say, “Whenever you sit for answering the call of nature, you should not face the Qibla or Bait-ul-Maqdis (Jerusalem).” I told them. “Once I went up the roof of our house and I saw Allah’s Apostle answering the call of nature while sitting on two bricks facing Bait-ul-Maqdis (Jerusalem) (but there was a screen covering him. ‘

Volume 1, Book 4, Number 152:

Narrated Anas bin Malik:

Whenever Allah’s Apostle went to answer the call of nature, I along with another boy used to accompany him with a tumbler full of water. (Hisham commented, “So that he might wash his private parts with it.)”

Volume 1, Book 4, Number 137:

Narrated Abu Huraira:

Allah’s Apostle said, “The prayer of a person who does Hadath (passes, urine, stool or wind) is not accepted till he performs (repeats) the ablution.” A person from Hadaramout asked Abu Huraira, “What is ‘Hadath’?” Abu Huraira replied, “ ‘Hadath’ means the passing of wind from the anus.”

Volume 8, Book 82, Number 797:

Narrated Anas bin Malik: A group of people from ‘Ukl (or ‘Uraina) tribe ——but I think he said that they were from ‘Ukl came to Medina and (they became ill, so) the Prophet ordered them to go to the herd of (Milch) she-camels and told them to go out and drink the camels’ urine and milk (as a medicine). So they went and drank it, and when they became healthy, they killed the shepherd and drove away the camels. This news reached the Prophet early in the morning, so he sent (some) men in their pursuit and they were captured and brought to the Prophet before midday. He ordered to cut off their hands and legs and their eyes to be branded with heated iron pieces and they were thrown at Al-Harra, and when they asked for water to drink, they were not given water. (Abu Qilaba said, “Those were the people who committed theft and murder and reverted to disbelief after being believers (Muslims), and fought against Allah and His Apostle”).

[MY COMMENT: The idea of drinking urine remains in force today, as do other practices of Muhammad (MEMRI, June 2007): Media Uproar Following Egyptian Mufti’s Fatwa on Companions of the Prophet Muhammad Being Blessed by Drinking His Urine]

Volume 1, Book 5, Number 277:

Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, ‘The (people of) Bani Israel used to take bath naked (all together) looking at each other. The Prophet Moses used to take a bath alone. They said, ‘By Allah! Nothing prevents Moses from taking a bath with us except that he has a scrotal hernia.’ So once Moses went out to take a bath and put his clothes over a stone and then that stone ran away with his clothes. Moses followed that stone saying, “My clothes, O stone! My clothes, O stone! till the people of Bani Israel saw him and said, ‘By Allah, Moses has got no defect in his body. Moses took his clothes and began to beat the stone.” Abu Huraira added, “By Allah! There are still six or seven marks present on the stone from that excessive beating.”

Book 030, Number 5654:

Jabir b. Samura reported Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: I recognise the stone in Mecca which used to pay me salutations before my advent as a Prophet and I recognise that even now.

Volume 8, Book 82, Number 808:

Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, “The boy is for (the owner of) the bed and the stone is for the person who commits illegal sexual intercourse.’

Volume 5, Book 58, Number 188:

Narrated ‘Amr bin Maimun:

During the pre-Islamic period of ignorance I saw a she-monkey surrounded by a number of monkeys. They were all stoning it, because it had committed illegal sexual intercourse. I too, stoned it along with them.

Volume 7, Book 62, Number 17:

Narrated Jabir bin ‘Abdullah:

When I got married, Allah’s Apostle said to me, “What type of lady have you married?” I replied, “I have married a matron’ He said, “Why, don’t you have a liking for the virgins and for fondling them?” Jabir also said: Allah’s Apostle said, “Why didn’t you marry a young girl so that you might play with her and she with you?’

[MY COMMENT: Muhammad married Aisha when she was six years old, and consummated the marriage sexually when she was nine and he was 54. See “Aisha the Child Wife of Muhammad”: by Ali Sina]

Book 008, Number 3311:

‘A’isha (Allah be pleased with her) reported that Allah’s Apostle (may peace be upon him) married her when she was seven years old, and he was taken to his house as a bride when she was nine, and her dolls were with her

Volume 7, Book 62, Number 64:

Narrated ‘Aisha:

that the Prophet married her when she was six years old and he consummated his marriage when she was nine years old, and then she remained with him for nine years (i.e., till his death).

Volume 1, Book 4, Number 229:

Narrated ‘Aisha:

I used to wash the traces of Janaba (semen) from the clothes of the Prophet and he used to go for prayers while traces of water were still on it (water spots were still visible).

Volume 1, Book 5, Number 282:

Narrated Anas bin Malik:

The Prophet used to visit all his wives in one night and he had nine wives at that time.

Volume 1, Book 4, Number 148:

Narrated ‘Aisha:

The wives of the Prophet used to go to Al-Manasi, a vast open place (near Baqia at Medina) to answer the call of nature at night. ‘Umar used to say to the Prophet “Let your wives be veiled,” but Allah’s Apostle did not do so. One night Sauda bint Zam’a the wife of the Prophet went out at ‘Isha’ time and she was a tall lady. ‘Umar addressed her and said, “I have recognized you, O Sauda.” He said so, as he desired eagerly that the verses of Al-Hijab (the observing of veils by the Muslim women) may be revealed. So Allah revealed the verses of “Al-Hijab” (A complete body cover excluding the eyes).

Volume 7, Book 62, Number 33:

Narrated Usama bin Zaid:

The Prophet said, “After me I have not left any affliction more harmful to men than women.”

Volume 4, Book 52, Number 250:

Narrated Ibn Abbas:

That he heard the Prophet saying, “It is not permissible for a man to be alone with a woman, and no lady should travel except with a Muhram (i.e. her husband or a person whom she cannot marry in any case for ever; e.g. her father, brother, etc.).”

Volume 4, Book 52, Number 220:

Narrated Abu Huraira:

Allah’s Apostle said, “I have been sent with the shortest expressions bearing the widest meanings, and I have been made victorious with terror (cast in the hearts of the enemy).

The Koran 8,12:

I will cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve. Therefore strike off their heads and strike off every fingertip of them.

Book 041, Number 6983:

Abdullah b. ‘Umar reported Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: You and the Jews would fight against one another until a stone would say: Muslim, here is a Jew behind me; come and kill him.

Volume 4, Book 52, Number 176:

Narrated ‘Abdullah bin ‘Umar:

Allah’s Apostle said, “You (i.e. Muslims) will fight with the Jews till some of them will hide behind stones. The stones will (betray them) saying, ‘O ‘Abdullah (i.e. slave of Allah)! There is a Jew hiding behind me; so kill him.’“

Volume 4, Book 52, Number 260:

Narrated Ikrima:

Ali burnt some people and this news reached Ibn ‘Abbas, who said, “Had I been in his place I would not have burnt them, as the Prophet said, ‘Don’t punish (anybody) with Allah’s Punishment.’ No doubt, I would have killed them, for the Prophet said, ‘If somebody (a Muslim) discards his religion, kill him.’ “

Volume 4, Book 52, Number 268:

Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah’s Apostle called, “War is deceit”.

Volume 4, Book 52, Number 42:

Narrated Ibn ‘Abbas:

Allah’s Apostle said, “There is no Hijra (i.e. migration) (from Mecca to Medina) after the Conquest (of Mecca), but Jihad and good intention remain; and if you are called (by the Muslim ruler) for fighting, go forth immediately.

Volume 4, Book 52, Number 44:

Narrated Abu Huraira:

A man came to Allah’s Apostle and said, “Instruct me as to such a deed as equals Jihad (in reward).” He replied, “I do not find such a deed.”

Volume 4, Book 52, Number 50:

Narrated Anas bin Malik:

The Prophet said, “A single endeavor (of fighting) in Allah’s Cause in the forenoon or in the afternoon is better than the world and whatever is in it.”

Volume 4, Book 52, Number 63:

Narrated Al-Bara:

A man whose face was covered with an iron mask (i.e. clad in armor) came to the Prophet and said, “O Allah’s Apostle! Shall I fight or embrace Islam first? “The Prophet said, “Embrace Islam first and then fight.” So he embraced Islam, and was martyred. Allah’s Apostle said, A Little work, but a great reward. “(He did very little (after embracing Islam), but he will be rewarded in abundance).”

Volume 4, Book 52, Number 73:

Narrated ‘Abdullah bin Abi Aufa: Allah’s Apostle said, “Know that Paradise is under the shades of swords.”

Volume 4, Book 52, Number 80i:

Narrated Abu Huraira:

Allah’s Apostle said, “Allah welcomes two men with a smile; one of whom kills the other and both of them enter Paradise. One fights in Allah’s Cause and gets killed. Later on Allah forgives the ‘killer who also get martyred (In Allah’s Cause).”

Volume 4, Book 52, Number 195:

Narrated Anas:

The Prophet set out for Khaibar and reached it at night. He used not to attack if he reached the people at night, till the day broke. So, when the day dawned, the Jews came out with their bags and spades. When they saw the Prophet; they said, “Muhammad and his army!” The Prophet said, Allahu—Akbar! (Allah is Greater) and Khaibar is ruined, for whenever we approach a nation (i.e. enemy to fight) then it will be a miserable morning for those who have been warned.”

Volume 4, Book 52, Number 270:

Narrated Jabir bin ‘Abdullah:

The Prophet said, “Who is ready to kill Ka’b bin Al-Ashraf who has really hurt Allah and His Apostle?” Muhammad bin Maslama said, “O Allah’s Apostle! Do you like me to kill him?” He replied in the affirmative. So, Muhammad bin Maslama went to him (i.e. Ka’b) and said, “This person (i.e. the Prophet) has put us to task and asked us for charity.” Ka’b replied, “By Allah, you will get tired of him.” Muhammad said to him, “We have followed him, so we dislike to leave him till we see the end of his affair.” Muhammad bin Maslama went on talking to him in this way till he got the chance to kill him.

[MY COMMENT: Ka’b bin al-Ashraf was murdered by Muhammad’s followers for the crime of having verbally criticized Muhammad and his teachings. See: Answering Islam. Asma bint Marwan, a female poet, suffered the same fate. See: Answering Islam and Wikipedia. The murder of Theo van Gogh by the devout Muslim Mohammed Bouyeri in Amsterdam in November 2004 was based on the same principle as these murders of Islam critics almost 1400 years ago. The Sunna of Muhammad, his personal example as contained in the quotes above, is valid forever.]

29 thoughts on “The Funny Side of Islam: Muhammad and the Hadith

  1. “He who played chess is like one who dyed his hand with the flesh and blood of swine.”

    Interesting, considering that the most likely origin of chess is Arabian. (But evidently pre-Mohhamed.)

    The rest of the quotes seem quite sensible and reasonable for a 7th-century people.

  2. Muhammad probably made that statement (assuming he did make it, seeing as how the hadith were compiled centuries after his death and how stone cold reliable “a friend of a friend said …”) about chess because he wasn’t any good at it. It is also very convenient for Muhammad that Allah (unverifiably) revealed verses through him commanding Muslims that he was a Perfect Model of Conduct.

  3. An illiterate pedophile warlord babbles and cunning s.o.b.’s preserve the machiavellian gibberish in order to justify their own power grabs and sanctify their brutal “mission”.

    Islam: the ultimate criminal’s religion.

    Exonerating lying, rape, torture, terror and carnage, as long as you bow 5 times a day to a delusion.

  4. That would be a great blog. Also, if there are any people who knows how to make those videos, then MAKE THEM. We need to have hundreds of those out on the net, both Fitna-like “infomercials” and plain mockery!

  5. I have nothing against mocking Islam, but wouldn’t it be a better idea to stop Muslims from migrating to the West and breeding like cockroaches at the expense of our welfare states? If we don’t, they’ll have the last laugh.

  6. “who is going to red-pencil a number of the most ‘authentic’ Hadith, or perhaps throw them out altogether, and while we are at it, throw out the Sira (the biography, in the basic Muslim version, of Muhammad)? Who will declare it done? And how could it possibly be accepted? It can’t, and holding out such hope to naïve Infidels is meretricious and sinister.”

    Which is why—no matter how well intentioned—so-called “reformers” are doing the world a great disfavor. Not only are their numbers so marginal as to be insignificant, but the likelihood of their success is clearly minuscule. Wittingly or not, reformers create a hudna situation whereby Westerners are gulled into patiently waiting around for an Islamic change-of-heart when nothing of the sort is forthcoming. This stalling can only allow Islam greater access to Weapons of Mass Destruction.

    Even if you ignored the entire hadith literature, a religion based on the Koran alone would still be the most aggressive major religion on earth.

    Islam’s closure of the door to ijtihad (i.e., independent reasoning and analysis) some 1,000 years ago in favor of taqlid (blind imitation) guarantees its continued hostility to all things Western. There simply is no chance for substantial revision in any part of the Koran or its accompanying passages.

    But whatever you do, don’t laugh when reading this. That makes you a dangerous Islamophobe according to the United Nations, and Muslims across the world want you dead for insulting their prophet.

    And this is where those who seek to criminalize free speech are—knowingly or not—acting in league with Islam. By hobbling all vocal opposition to Muslim aggression while simultaneously leaving Islam unfettered by demands for reform or legal restrictions, the stage is set for a global caliphate.

    Charlemagne: Anyone interested in setting up a blog specifically to mock Islam?

    No serious content allowed.

    Why wait? We can start right here. Your wish is my command!

    [control voice]

    There is nothing wrong with our ability to kick your whiney Islamic @ss. Do not attempt to interfere. We are controlling the situation. If we wish to kick it harder, we will go all Medieval. If we wish to kick it softer, we will only open up a six-pack on you. We will control the duration. We will control the intensity. We can roll you up; make your eyelids flutter. We can smear you into a soft blur or sharpen your pencil with a machete. For the next hour, sit quietly and we will beat on you until only your hair doesn’t hurt. We repeat: there is nothing wrong with you that a prolonged @ss-kicking can’t cure. You are about to be on the receiving end of a major smackdown. You are about to experience the shock and awe which reaches from inside our missile silos to Tehran’s city limits.

    [/control voice]

  7. hei Fjordman…

    Is there somewhere I can write to you?! Well, anyway, I read your article about the Byzantine Empire and approve of it and appreciate your deconstruction of certain stereotypes. I think in light of the polemic of Islam on this much- needed website and in many societies and countries today, this may be of interest in the broader scheme of things:

    My question is, why don’t governments warn us of possible dangers to our societies by using such examples as something to learn from. In not disclosing what is happening, we are being led to believe propaganda. This should have been addressed a long time ago. Finally, del Ponte admitted this was not disclosed due to Albanian threats, which is just another example of what happens when any intellectual speaks out against Islam.

    I hope you consider this perspective. Thank you and all the best. Hade bra

  8. I am afraid I don’t see the comedy here.

    “Fritz walks around the corner. What’s missing? The joke!”



    However, if I will see I Muslim wearing a gold ring, I will remind him that he is not allowed to do that under Volume 7, Book 72, Number 754 of the Ahadith narrated by Abu Huraira.

  9. no its not funny. whats funny is how idiot you are ..all believing these things.

    I am a muslim and I read a lot of non sense things that is not in the religion. The idea that you think yourself smarter and make more sense than a Billion muslim just shows how close minded you are. No matter what you say or think, Islam is a whole great religion. 🙂 You will never, I repeat never reach to the point to undestand that.

    Check your sources Always before making judgements. But since you are a bunch of racist close minded people..I dont think you will. Happy Ignorant Life

  10. The idea that you think yourself smarter and make more sense than a Billion muslim just shows how close minded you are.

    Are you saying that because a Billion people call themselves Muslims that they automatically all think the same thing?


    I see. When something negative about Islam is said, folks like you usually chime in “Not all 56 Billion Muslims believe the same thing”

    However, when you want to go on the attack, you seem to think you can speak on behalf of Gazillions of Muslims as if they are robots.

    Oh I love the contradictions Muslims go through when trying to defend their silly system of brainwashing.

  11. nalan said:

    Check your sources Always before making judgements

    But that’s the problem here, Nalan. The sources used by the person who wrote this post *are* the Hadith. Are you saying the Hadith and the Koran are wrong?

    Careful where you tread…or what you fail to read.

    Go back to those quotes and point our for us ignorant infidels exactly where the author misquotes anything.

    Normally, I would delete your comment for name-calling. That is not permitted here. But I am going to leave your words in place as a demonstration of the very ignorance you deplore.

  12. Very good. Yes, I can see where islam is a joke. Except for the beheadings, planes flying into buildings, bombs on buses and such I can see the humor. Have you heard about the two jihadist who walked into a bar…….

    Just a repentantInfidel here boss.

  13. How curious this language of Islam . . .

    mehrab=place of war
    mihrab=the qibla wall of a mosque

    a person who does Hadath (passes, urine, stool or wind)
    Hadith – Muhammad’s personal example to all mankind for all time

    chuckle chuckle . . .yuk yuk . . .giggle giggle . . .LOL!

    quote The great Hungarian orientalist Ignác Goldziher has cast doubt on the authenticity of the hadith literature, but according to other scholars, much of the same can be said about the Koran as well, which was probably completed far later, and with far more changes, than Muslims would like us to believe. Some of the Koran may even be based on pre-Islamic texts.
    end quote

    Think Christoph Luxenberg, think The Lost Archive (not so much lost as locked away by Islamic apologists)

  14. I really enjoy and appreciate the diverse views that this blog/post/and posters are putting forward. I’m not Muslim, neither am I in any real way a sympathizer of what are blatantly political and socio-economic and “convenient” practices of Islamism. But I do think that mostly, and perhaps more than any other religion (again, I reiterate that I’m as far away from Islam as oil is from vinegar) the various corruptions of practice, especially the kind that Khomeini was so interested in reinforcing have definitely detracted from the possibility even of there being wholesomness in this, like any other religion.

    While I also enjoy the satire of these entries, I do always think that being bigoted has not especially benefited anyone. It is also always generally not that credible to see isolated passages quoted from religious texts, taken out of context. Context, in this case, is certainly problematic, but the lack of it suggests using someone else’s vulnerabilities to further one’s own interests.

    Last, I think that like all religions, Muslims are not a homogeneous mass of so many billion people (as someone pointed out). There are regional and larger global tensions playing on Islam, and it is simply unfortunate that the tensions of the Arab world have specifically fanned out to the West and the East, and further, that the Arab-ization of Islam is ironically what has repressed its equivalency (in terms of plusses and minuses) amongst other religions.

    Thanks for reading my comment, and thanks for letting me post. I really respect your views, but as someone with little in common with your socio-political affiliations, I thought I’d put in my bit. Thank you for listening, and sorry for offending (you if at all).

    Stranger from Asia

  15. Gosh! What a load of crock! It’s truly amazing that billions of people take it literally the spoken or written words of halfwits one and a half millenia ago. The prophet and his followers did obviously not have all the indians in the canoe or all the camels in the caravan as the case might have been.
    Btw, if Mohammed is such an example to live after, how come they don’t fight their jihad with sword, bow and arrow? Where in the Quran or hadiths can you read about Mohammeds machine gun or holy handgrenades? LOL

  16. Bismillah hir rahman nir rahim

    I have to say this is a very weak article, your research is far from the sounds that you have your own personal agenda towards islam.

    I am as a muslim spend my entire life to understand islam teaching but you, on your side straight away become an expert on islam thus you critisize islam all you want about hadith, dispute of sunni n shia,etc. That is funny

    Muslim is not a terorist,dont blame the religion but blame the individuals. Islam is a religion of peace. those who act violent and against the teaching in alQuran and Hadits is not a true muslim. How about you,are u a true christian? if you are, read your bible

    to understand hadith, one cannot make direct translations out of it, you must know how it exists, what is the story behind the hadits, to whom the hadith is for, and more, you must understand the culture (at that moment), the art of speech of Rasulullah, the arabic literature and language, because everyone has different translation towards the hadith. Thats why it is essential for muslim to read hadith with arabic for reference and learn arabic.

    to understand the differences in teaching of islam, one must understand the story of imam hussien(grandson of Rasulullah) who were killed in karbala and the family of Rasulullah was treated as prisoners. because of this, islam breaks into groups, but two stand out, sunni and shia. shia have different teachings because they are more to Imam hussien side and only accept hadith narrated by certains imams, while sunna teaching accept all hadith narrations. Eventhough so many differences in islamic practices, but we are one and we come from 1 god, ALLAH, the truth is when we sit together, we respect each other and therefore, islam is one family.

    we dont have to killed people who critize Rasulullah S.A.W, ALLAH will automatically punish him, because ALLAH is almighty and will set this as an example to those who critized Rasulullah S.A.W. Please investigate how Jyllands-Posten died.

  17. “The Qur’an does not speak of five pillars, although one can find in it scattered references to their associated practices.”

    that is a big lie,this shows you did not read Al-Quran thoroughly.

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