Wimp Your Ride

It’s well-established that the front ends of cars look like faces. Cartoonists have been exploiting the resemblance for over a century. Many modern SUVs seem to have faces like the helmets of Empire storm troopers in the Star Wars movies, but that may just be my idiosyncratic apperception of them.

When I was driving home from the Outer Boonies yesterday, the faces of the oncoming vehicles made me think: Those cars should be masked. And that gave me the idea for a business venture.

Now is the time for a shrewd entrepreneur to market face masks for vehicles. The ad copy could go something like this:

You protect yourself. You protect your wife. You protect your kids. Why does the family car deserve any less?

You owe it to your vehicle to keep it SAFE.

The masks should be made of durable, waterproof, porous fabric. It would probably be advisable to use them only during cold weather, but that should see us well through the election and into the violent madness that is sure to follow it.

And when the cop stops you and tells you you’re interfering with the air flow to your engine, you can say (through your mask): “Duh! You think so?”

People could make a statement about COVID-19 with their vehicles, all without contravening the WHO or being banned from Facebook and Twitter.

The masks could be manufactured in different colors and patterns, and even feature the logo of the manufacturer in the middle. Ford masks, Cadillac masks, Lamborghini masks.

If you can’t stay socially distanced from the car in front of you, you can at least have enough consideration to mask your SUV.

I’m too lazy to try to realize this project myself, so I offer it here for an ambitious entrepreneur to take up. I don’t know how much of a capital outlay it would entail, but it surely can’t be all that much.

The time has come for vehicle masking!

We all have the same goal: to flatten the curve in the road ahead of us.

11 thoughts on “Wimp Your Ride

  1. They’ve been around since the 60’s, but they’re marketed as “bras.” They started with the Porsche crowd. Rear engine, air cooled, you can mask the front and not cover up anything that shouldn’t be. Keeps their noses bug and chip free.

    So you can’t get credit for invention, but it makes it easy to get in on rebranding and topical marketing. You don’t have to develop anything, just order a batch from the factory in China in a “mask colorway.”

  2. I used to own a Honda Civic and that was one of the first things I purchased for the vehicle; a car bra. The functional purpose was to protect the paint from rock chips which it did pretty well, and it also improved the appearance in my opinion at the time. Of course it also abraded the paint underneath so it was a wash as to whether it did more harm than good.

    If the grills of cars look like faces and reflect their owners then most ‘Muricans are truly butt-ugly. Which is borne out by casual observation at any Walmart parking lot. Especially giant bro-dozers/inverse phallic substitutes, oversize SUVs, and Prius’s. I don’ t care if the plural is Prii, they are still hideously ugly.

  3. the ‘mask’ would need to be sufficiently porous so as to allow the engine to ‘breathe’ and the radiator to reduce the temperature of the coolant. I like the idea though, a mask that prevents being contaminated by the Toyota Corona virus, as I drive a Honda.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.