The CDU Gets Pwned

The following video presents the promises, pronouncements, and pontifications of German politicians as if they were part of a computer game.

Many thanks to MissPiggy for the translation, and to Vlad Tepes for the subtitling:

Video transcript:

00:04   Phrase Thresher II — CDU edition
00:17   Loading…
00:22   Here you see Angela Merkel beginning her third term as German Chancellor.
00:26   It is 6 minutes past 12 when she takes her oath of office with Parliamentary President
00:30   Norbert Lammert. “I swear that I will dedicate my efforts to the well-being of
00:37   the German people (+125 Foundation stone laid) promote their welfare, (+125 Phrase)
00:41   protect them from harm, (+125 Irony Bonus) uphold and defend the Basic Law and the
00:45   Laws of the Federation, (+1000 Audacity Bonus) (+25 Contradictory)
00:49   perform my duties conscientiously (+125 Phrase) —Nah! —and bring justice to all.
00:53   You aren’t allowed to lie! —So help me God. —You’re not allow to say that!
00:57   (Success Unlocked 100P — False promises. —And there is applause in the Bundestag,
01:00   even from the new coalition partners.
01:03   Could you send your own children on foreign missions? —If my own children
01:07   wanted to join the military, and if a foreign deployment were necessary, then I would have to let
01:11   them go. I would be just a nervous and worried (+100 Emotionalising),
01:15   as every other mother. —Is one of your children in the military? —No.
01:19   (+200 Maximum Hypocrisy) 4X (+100 Gotcha!)
01:23   With me, there won’t be any tolls for private cars. (+25 campaign promise)
01:27   Dorbrindt foresees tolls for private cars starting after the 2017 election. — In the
01:31   debate over the tolls for private cars, there’s a surprise ending. The federal travel
01:35   ministry and the EU have agreed it can be implemented after all.
01:39   (+1000 Fooled) The department Chief Alexander Dorbrindt predicts an
01:43   agreement in November. At the CSU party convention on Friday, Dorbrindt said the
01:47   starting date for private car tolls would be during the next election period.
01:52   Knockout!
01:55   Loading… Certainly we learned in the last century that the seductive power of the media should not
02:04   be given unrestricted space. (-150 Fake News) Now computers and the internet are
02:15   opening up completely new information controls, (+750 Freudian Slip) channels
02:21   which go beyond country borders. “Completely new information controls”
02:29   Like the NetzDG Censorship from Heiko Maas SPD channels beyond country borders.
02:34   Loading… Would you give up on the EU when you realised you could not convince the German
02:42   people of this United States of Europe idea? —No, not at all. (+2000 Dictator Bonus)
02:47   Knockout! Success Unlocked 666P — My Will Be Done!
02:50   Loading… CDU General Secretary Peter Tauber is accused of insulting critics
02:58   of the Chancellor’s refugee policy within the party. Specifically, it is alleged that during a
03:02   (+250 Insults) discussion among party friends he said: “Anyone here who is not
03:06   for Angela Merkel is an a*****e and can go.”(+400 Arrogance +400 Chauvinist)
03:10   (+400 Ignorant) This happened last November at the CDU2017 network meeting.
03:14   Several participants confirmed to Die Welt what Tauber said.
03:18   Loading… (+450 There should be only the one world government)
03:26   (+525 Destroy sense of identity)
03:32   Loading… CDU General Secretary Peter Tauber made himself a target of fierce criticism with a
03:37   statement to mini-jobbers on Twitter. This followed a discussion about the joint
03:41   CDU/CSU election program which promises “full employment” by 2025. “Does that mean
03:48   Three mini-jobs for me?” Asked a Twitter user on Monday night. Tauber answered promptly
03:52   “If you’ve learned something decent, then you do not need three mini-jobs.”
04:00   (+125 Maximum Reality Detachment) (+125 Maximum Arrogance)
04:04   Mini-jobbers felt personally attacked and the political competition quickly picked up
04:08   the topic as well. Tauber held his position and even posted another tweet to boot.
04:12   Fact: Only with a good education can one earn enough not to need three mini-jobs to
04:16   make ends meet! (+125 Detached From Reality) The responses didn’t take long!
04:23   Loading… I don’t think we can appreciate enough how important it is, that people who come to us,
04:32   it’s not masses or groups of anonymous number (+850 Absurdity Bonus)
04:35   (+550 Insulting Voter Intelligence) (+900 Reality Denial)
04:38   (+850 Absurdity Bonus) Individuals are coming to us. —According to authorities the
04:42   refugees are arriving from the sub-Saharan part of Africa. —How important it is… it’s not
04:46   masses or groups of anonymous numbers coming to us, but individuals 3X repeated.
04:50   “Nearly two million migrants in 2015”
04:54   (Success Unlocked 150P — Reality, What’s that?) In 2015… the net migration,
04:58   the difference between arrivals and departures was approximately 114 million. (Welt)
05:02   (2016) 305,000 new asylum seekers / 723,000 asylum applications (Welt)
05:06   Not an anonymous number, but individuals are coming to us.
05:09   Knockout! Loading…
05:14   Mr. Altmaier your statement, when repeated, sound a little like “carry on”.
05:21   Yesterday, for the first time, a right-wing party has overtaken the CDU in the polls.
05:27   Can we allow a “carry on” attitude? —Well, those are two different questions.
05:33   (+125 Redefine Question) (+125 Distract From Own Failure) The first question is if we
05:37   can manage to absorb the refugees and then to integrate them in such a way that
05:41   they may contribute to society and give something back. And the second question
05:47   is about trust in the political system and about the people in the democratic parties.
05:54   I openly admit, the election results shocked me (+125 Emotionalising)
05:59   and made me reflect, because when you join AfD and the NPD
06:03   (+250 Defame Competitors) (+250 Nazi bludgeon) (+125 Voters are Nazis)
06:07   That’s 25% in Mecklenburg-Western Pomerania. — It is better to vote for AfD than
06:11   not voting? — NO. — A non-voter is better than an AfD Voter? — But of course!
06:15   (+250 Degrade AfD Voters) (+200 Baseless Allegations) (+200 Stigmatization) The AfD
06:19   causes division in our country by exploiting the concerns and fear of the public. (+200
06:23   Pure Polemic) (+200 No Concrete Examples) I urge everyone to vote, but to
06:27   vote for parties… —Everything but the AfD. —…parties that have allegiance to the state.
06:31   (+200 Denounce Competitors) I can’t see any sense in voting for the AfD or the Left
06:35   for that matter. The Left don’t support the stability of our political system.
06:39   (+100 Always Stay Unspecific) Loading…
06:42   With the Young Christian Democrats, Angela Merkel sounds especially fierce.
06:46   That generates support. The integration debate comes just at the right time.
06:50   Of course, the approach of saying let’s make everything multi-culti, all live together and
06:57   everyone’s happy — This approach has failed! Absolutely failed!
07:01   Former Federal President Christian Wolff said Islam belongs to Germany, and that’s
07:07   correct. I agree and we will do everything possible to make integration a success.
07:16   It’s not acceptable that twice as many of you have no school diplomas,
07:20   (Success Unlocked 900P — Opportunist) It’s not acceptable that twice as many of you
07:24   have no professional degrees. This creates the political problems of the future.
07:28   (Success Unlocked 500P — AfD said that!) That’s why integration is so important.
07:32   Above all it means those who want to take part in this society not only have to obey
07:36   our laws, recognise our constitution, but also must learn our language.
07:42   Horst Seehofer’s version is less diplomatic: “Germany shouldn’t become the welfare
07:46   office for the entire world. The CSU Chief said: “Whoever wants to live here needs
07:50   to show more desire to integrate and a willingness to perform. As to which value
07:54   system should be followed, no questions about it! — We, as the Union, represent the
07:58   “German guiding culture” and not Multiculturalism. (Success Unlocked 50P
08:02   — Greetings to the AfD) Multi-Culti is dead!
08:06   Knockout! Loading…
08:09   Certain groups are saying, “We are the people” (+125 Like A Dictator)
08:15   And the rest aren’t. (+100 Ignore Critics)
08:19   When I was in the DDR, at that time, I wasn’t happy (+225 Respect My Authority)
08:23   that the people had something to say (+1200 Democracy is for wimps) after so
08:27   many decades of being unable to speak. And that’s why, I think we need, of course
08:31   we always need new answers in new situations, but the principles endure.
08:35   AGAIN — Pay close attention. She wasn’t happy, that the people had something to say?!
08:51   Loading… What we need to heal, what we need to improve, where we need to engage in new
08:56   discussions is with our individual population. The elite aren’t the problem. The population
09:03   (+999 Obey Subjects!) are the problem at the moment. Replay.
09:07   The individual populations are the problem. The elites aren’t the problem.
09:11   The populations are the problem at the moment.
09:14   Loading… The motive with which we tackle these issues should be we have done so much
09:20   S*** f*** the Germans — We can do it! — S***! I f** the Germans really hard.
09:25   We can do it!
09:30   When something is in the way…
09:34   We can do it!
09:37   We can do it!
09:44   We can do it! — First to enter Germany! — We can do it!
09:48   Mesut Ozil is an a*****e! That’s no original Turk!
09:52   We can do it! — I f*** German women.
09:56   Rummelsdorf! Turkish DNA!
09:59   We can do it!
10:06   We can do it!
10:19   We can do it!
10:32   We can do it!
10:44   We can do it!
11:10   We can do it!
11:15   A Review — Terror Attacks in Europe
11:19   London, Paris, Brussels, Berlin and now Manchester?
11:33   One can never expect that what was promised before the election will actually be valid after
11:37   the election. We need to anticipate that in certain ways there is repetition.
11:43   (Success Unlocked 666P — We Can Do It!)
11:48   GAME OVER!
11:52   You have the choice.

4 thoughts on “The CDU Gets Pwned

    • No, but the word is based on that mistake. It’s a gamers’ term. Way back in the 1990s, a gamer made a typo when referring to a player who got “owned”, and typed “pwned”. The word then became popular and was used deliberately.

      Being a geezer, I never would have known about this, but my son explained it to me back when he was in high school.

  1. 04.58: “The difference between arrivals and departures was approximately 114 million” Really? That’s about 32 million more than the current German population. What a good thing this woman isn’t, say, running a country. She is? Oh, [fecal matter]!

Comments are closed.