JLH weighs in on the Culture Wars, particularly as they pertain to the leftist hysteria about Donald Trump.
Twelve Characters Searching for Character
Twelve familiar fictional figures speak out on recent comments by their even better-known flesh-and-blood portrayers. They claim parity with other fictional narratives like the (fake) news media, and therefore an equal right to speak about Trump Derangement Syndrome — in this case, some recent comments on Donald Trump by their real-life personas. Alphabetically by (first) name.
BARBARELLA (From the film of the same name) to her real life persona: Hi, remember me? I’m the galactic secret agent who went looking for the inventor of a new weapon, to prevent his passing it on to some malign force. I sort of bumbled from one place to another, and at the end of each adventure, I found a new way to be sexually stimulated. The climax came (pardon the double-entendre) when the villain trapped me in his notorious love machine, from which no woman had emerged alive. Fortunately, my superior sexual stamina outlasted the machine, which was destroyed in the process. So stop worrying about things you don’t understand, Jane, and go back to being your true self — air-headed and oversexed.
(Jane Fonda said, “I won’t call President Donald Trump by his name. I call him the predator-in-chief.”)
CONRAD BREAN: You’ve played a lot of parts, Bob, but none was quite so prescient as my character in WAG THE DOG. The film was hardly over, when Clinton demonstrated its principle by blowing up a donkey and some tents in Afghanistan. And now the pièce de resistance — can you be as wrong this time as you were right the first time?
(Robert DeNiro said: “He’s so blatantly stupid. He’s a punk, he’s a dog, he’s a pig, he’s a con — a b******t artist. A mutt who doesn’t know what he’s talking about, doesn’t do his homework, doesn’t care, thinks he’s gaming society, doesn’t pay his taxes. He’s an idiot.”
Later, taking a cue from Jennifer Lawrence and waxing eloquent at the Tony Awards : “F*** Trump!”)
DAVE BOYLE: Hi Tim. Remember me, from MYSTIC RIVER? People who believed rumor and innuendo decided I was evil, so I had to die. It’s painful to see you so sucked in by propaganda that you make the same kind of far-fetched accusation just to assuage your bruised leftist soul. You remind me of my former friends!
(Tim Robbins: “It occurred to me the other day that we are living through a Marty McFly moment. [The film] was set in the 1980s and, thanks to advances in technology, a DeLorean car could travel through time and brought our lead character Marty McFly back to the 1950s. What he found … wasn’t a romantic, nostalgic time but an Oedipal nightmare. A time of bullying, a time of intolerance and ignorance.”)
HELEN (SISTER) to her real-life persona, Susan Sarandon: Hello. I am the empathetic nun in DEAD MAN WALKING who illuminated the last days and hours of a man condemned for terrible crimes. My deeply human understanding caused me to experience not only the torment of the concerned man, but also the wretchedness of his victims’ families.
I’m sure my soulmate, JANET WEISS, of the ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW, would also be deeply shocked at the contempt and venom you display in your comment. Come back to us!
(Susan Sarandon said: “He reminds me of a drunk uncle at a wedding, who gets up and starts talking and just loves the crowd and just goes on and on and on and says whatever he can to get a reaction. He’s like a figure from a Kurt Vonnegut novel; I can’t even address him seriously.”)
HELLBOY (Of the popular HELLBOY films) Ron, you’ve played some pretty dicey characters. but I like think I’m one of the good guys. Whatever else you can say about me, I am not petty. My mistakes are big, and my successes even bigger. ‘Peeing in somebody’s food’?! Grow up, Ron!
(Ron Perlman — Who would like it if someone would pee in Trump’s KFC.)
HIKARU SULU, helmsman of the ENTERPRISE: I felt welcome in that diverse crew, George. Accepted for what I was and could accomplish. This small-minded, bombastic rhetoric may be all right for you, but I want no part of it.
(George Takei: “Trump is a cancer on our democracy. He must be rejected by all patriots, for the good of our national identity and values.”)
KATNESS EVERDEEN: You made me a heroine in the HUNGER GAMES, but remember the courage it took to realize at the last minute that the real evil required a change of target. Think about what President Hillary would have been.
(Jennifer Lawrence: “If Donald Trump becomes president, that will be the end of the world.” — Jennifer Lawrence, who a few months later on The Graham Norton Show said that the only words she’d want to say to Trump when she meets him are “F*** you.”)
MAX DA CORTA: Matt, you played me as a very fallible human being who finally feels compelled to side with the ordinary folks down on Earth. So why are you so elitist about the guy who took their side in real life?
(Matt Damon: “[Trump] makes me nervous… There’s no way we can let this guy be the [president]. To let that dude have the nuclear football, are you kidding me? That’s dangerous. He’s impulsive and rash, and doesn’t seem to think deeply about too many things.”)
PHOEBE: In CHARMED, I am the naive, lovable, sympathetic sister witch who sees the good in almost anyone — even has a passionate affair with a demon. I don’t really understand your violent dislike for this guy. “Unamerican,” really? What would your socialist friends say?
(Alyssa Milano: “And those that continue to defend and support this President in all his racist horror, are more unamerican than any of those you are trying to deport.”)
SETH GECKO: Hello, George. Remember what a relief it was in FROM DUSK TILL DAWN when the doors flew open and the sunlight killed the vampires? Well, that’s how a lot of everyday folks felt when a man arrived who not only promised, but delivered. And they are still hoping for the sunlight to reach even deeper into the swamp.
(George Clooney: “He’s just an opportunist. Now he’s a fascist; a xenophobic fascist.”)
TRUMAN of the TRUMAN SHOW: Remember when I left the show — Even at the last minute, with all the clues I had, it took some determination to want the reality instead of the long-inculcated fantasy I had lived with. Try it Jim, you’ll feel better. And no one will miss your sick art.
(Jim Carrey’s paintings.)
WYATT: Hi Peter. I didn’t grow very old in EASY RIDER. It was an easy, wasted life of drugging and violence, ending senselessly. I was hoping for more from my real-life persona. Oh well…
(Peter Fonda: “Rip Barron out of the arms of First Lady Melania Trump and put him in a cage with pedophiles.”)
And finally, J.K. Rowling, speaking for herself on a comment comparing Donald Trump to Voldemort:
“How horrible. Voldemort was nowhere near as bad.”
Thanks, at least now we know that what the Left is saying is pure fiction.