Making Halal Whoopee

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The following spoof video is based on a (serious) original put out for sex education purposes by the Iranian government. An Iranian dissident group augmented the original with cartoons, music, and sound effects to produce this parody.

Many thanks to ritamalik for the translation, and to Vlad Tepes for the subtitling:

Transcript:

0:03   This episode: How to stimulate your husband, by Hujjat Ul-Islam Dehnavy.
0:09   That night when you feel like having sexual connection with your husband and you want to make him desire you,
0:15   wear a slit skirt, so that when you walk your husband can see the back of your leg and your knee.
0:24   He will be stimulated!
0:28   Wear a mini-skirt so that your husband can see your thighs;
0:33   he will be stimulated.
0:39   Then when you come and sit in front of him cross your legs so that your man can see your thighs;
0:45   he will be stimulated.
0:52   Then, one of the sensitive places in a woman’s body that stimulates men is her armpits and parts of her breasts.
0:59   Therefore we say to the ladies: “Esteemed lady, on those nights wear a tank top, please!”
1:10   Esteemed ladies, please pay attention! Those of you who have white skins, if you wear black underwear it will stimulate your men greatly,
1:21   and those ladies who have bronze or olive skin, if you wear light-coloured underwear it will be really stimulating for men!
1:45   Caption: Where is a man’s heart located?
1:48   Many would say that if you want to capture a man’s heart, take good care of his stomach.
1:54   But apparently those people made a mistake.
1:57   They have measured it 10 cm too high!
1:59   No!… A man’s heart is somewhere else entirely!
2:03   Fulfil his sexual needs, my obliging sister, and you will conquer his heart!
2:15   Caption: How may gentlemen’s sulking and pouting come to an end?
2:20   One of God’s great favours upon men and women, which makes peace between them possible, is this sexual instinct.
2:26   God be my witness, I am telling the truth, my esteemed ladies! If this sexual instinct did not exist our men would continue sulking and pouting for at least three years!
2:33   It is the sexual instinct which causes them to say: “Well… I guess it is prudent now to make peace with my lady, because otherwise I will be in trouble!”
2:41   This is of course God’s favour and the cause of great peacemaking!
2:44   Take this seriously, please!
2:49   Caption: Regulating the speed.
2:53   Another serious difference between men and women is quickness in gentlemen and slowness in ladies.
2:59   That’s a general fact of life. In everything, in shopping, in walking, in everything you would observe that in general ladies are really too slow!
3:06   When you see ladies become afraid of mice and cockroaches,
3:09   even though a cockroach is not scary, and neither kicks you, nor bites you, nor stings you,
3:14   is because cockroaches are really fast moving insects.
3:16   In general ladies have distaste for things that move fast.
3:18   But men are fast. It is the same in sexual matters.
3:22   Caption: Not in front of the kids!
3:27   Please be careful, gentlemen, in front of the kids, for God’s sake!
3:30   Now they might not get what’s the story all about,
3:33   but their minds are like a digital camera. This will remain in their minds,
3:40   and 15 years later they will remember it and say: “Aha! Now I get it! That’s what you meant, daddy! You damn scoundrel!”
3:43   Caption: snacking during the sexual act.
3:47   I am sorry to say this now, when we are all fasting (during Ramadan), but I am obliged to say it:
3:52   Some people have some disorders; they enjoy eating faeces or feeding it to their spouses during sex.
4:00   Some are urine-drinkers.
4:04   All of these things are Nijasa (impurities). It is Haram (forbidden), 100%!!
4:10   Caption: Thinking about other women during the sexual act with one’s wife.
4:13   Some ask: “What if someone is having sex with his own wife but imagines that he is having sex with another non-Mahram (religiously intimate) lady?
4:21   Is that Haram (forbidden)?” The answer is: “No! It is not Haram!
4:23   This is God’s great favour and grace upon us, Muslims,
4:29   that he has said to us: “Thinking of sinning, is in itself not a sin!”
4:36   Caption: What should be done if the man claims he needs sex?
4:39   If your man says he needs sex, dear Muslim lady,
4:43   we have the Prophet’s saying which says: “Even if you are on the camel’s back… relieve him straight away!”
4:50   Do you know why, my ladies?
4:55   Because the point is that this gentleman needs it right now!
4:57   This need must be relieved!
5:00   Caption: For more information refer to his Facebook page at: www.facebook.com/hdehnavy
5:07   ….But of course today, do we have any camels walking in the streets of Mashhad (a city in Eastern Iran)?
5:10   No! But if not on a camel then in a Zantia (the name of a popular car in Iran)!
 

4 thoughts on “Making Halal Whoopee”

  2. Muslim women are reportedly equipped with a made in China synthetic hymen featuring auto-reset for multiple applications. China exports tremendous amount of such device to the Middle East !

  3. 4:13 Some ask: “What if someone is having sex with his own wife but imagines that he is having sex with another non-Mahram (religiously intimate) lady?
    4:21 Is that Haram (forbidden)?” The answer is: “No! It is not Haram!
    4:23 This is God’s great favour and grace upon us, Muslims,
    4:29 that he has said to us: “Thinking of sinning, is in itself not a sin!”

    In the Bible we are told that Jesus said if a man just looks at a woman with lust in his heart, it is the same as if he committed the sin of adultery with her.

  4. Amazing,and these people want us to take them seriously,i wonder if its ok to eat faeces and drink urine after ramadan,SMH,the ayatollahs little green book on bestiality comes to mind

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