A Red Line Along Both Coasts

As widely reported yesterday, in a commencement address to the Coast Guard Academy President Barack Hussein Obama told his audience that their most pressing and important challenge would be “climate change”. Our German translator JLH has managed to obtain the prepared text for Mr. Obama’s speech, and presents it below.

Update: Yes, this is a spoof.

White House Office of Advance Narrative Control
Approved Transcript

New London, Connecticut
May 20, 2015

Ladies and Gentlemen and Transgender(wo)men of the United States Coast Guard Academy. This commencement ceremony will launch you on a crucial mission for your country, Whatever else you may have been told, the greatest danger you are about to face is Global Warming/Climate Change/Weather Terrorism.

By taking your place in this historic service, you have committed yourselves to uphold our policies in regard to the hostile environment created by capitalism and good living. My administration has prepared for drastic action against this threat. We have drawn a red line along both coasts. If any element (no pun intended) of Climate Change advances even one foot across that line, you will be asked to use all reasonable means to repel it.

You may be asked to stand hand in hand with buckets on the beaches as the poles melt, and turn back the over-ambitious tides. You may be asked to erect wind farms offshore, to blow back the clouds of smog rolling toward us across the Atlantic or Pacific from nations who have not yet reached our level of technological sophistication. You may be asked to sail the latest in solar- or wind-powered ships.

If, at any time, it appears that we are losing this battle, let me assure that it is just the normal ebb and flow of humanity trying the control the environment.

The evacuation plan, if needed, is code-named: WaCaMGAF — Women and Children and Members of Government Agencies First.

You have no idea (really) how proud I am to address you today.

7 thoughts on “A Red Line Along Both Coasts

  1. OK, did O’Bama REALLY say that? It’s a bit late for April Fools jokes, and this attempt was in poor taste.

    • Poor taste? Really?

      What’s in “poor taste” is Dear Leader’s attempted evisceration of the rule of law in every sphere he touches.

    • If you think that was in poor taste, Obama’s actual remarks were more outrageous –


      “GROTON-NEW LONDON, Conn. — President Obama warned Wednesday that climate change is a growing and “serious threat” to national security, tying severe weather to the rise of the extremist group Boko Haram in Nigeria and the civil war in Syria.”

      If you’re going to become indignant, at least direct it at the correct person.

      • Thanks for the link. I looked for it yesterday only to become distracted by Mrs. Obama’s speech of deep, deep grievance at being black in such a horrible country where she has to live behind iron bars.

        She once called her life in the White House “Hell”. Methinks she will make a fiery place of wherever it is she dwells.

    • Get a grip, acuara. A man who cannot enjoy harmless humor is in need of some kind of spiritual renewal. Or something.

      Whatever you do, stay away from the Drudge Report. Your head will spin.

      • so that must have really be marijuana smoke coming out of his nose to warm the planet

      • I have never been one for ‘drudge’ery.

        One thing I have noticed that is particularly self-serving of O’Bama, he welcomes in all sorts of refugees from the Middle East (except Christians of course) and then settles them here in various states. Then he makes grand statements about our need for security to counter the terrorist forces that have gathered against us. Then he orders Jade Helm 15 as an exercise to address that. However, Jade Helm appears to be targeting areas where the Middle East refugees aren’t, but America-loving citizens are. Thus, both camps are kept happy as the one is played against the other. This would be uproariously funny if it weren’t true and being played out for our ‘benefit’ this summer. Gee, I can only wonder at what the fall entertainment season will offer.

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