A Pedestrian-Free Canada

January 6, 2015

The big news story* yesterday in Canada was the multiple beheadings of randomly-chosen pedestrians on the streets of Ottawa and Montreal. Prior to those attacks, the Islamic State had warned the Canadian government that Canadian civilians would be randomly targeted on the streets, just as they had planned in Australia.

In the wake of the tragic deaths, which officials emphasize had nothing to do with Islam, the Canadian government has announced strict new anti-extremism measures. One of them was a government directive ordering Canadians to change some of their routine activities:

IDSS director to Canadian citizens: Avoid being pedestrians in public

A top national security official Tuesday warned Canadian citizens to avoid being pedestrians in public to avoid becoming targets for extremists. The move was announced in the wake of deadly attacks on pedestrians in Quebec and Ontario.

In a directive titled “urgent measures,” Guillemot Hephzibah — who heads the Intra-Dominion Security Service, the Canadian equivalent of the Department of Homeland Security — tells citizens “to refrain from acting as pedestrians on the streets of Canadian cities and towns.”

The note also asks citizens to avoid footpaths in parks for the time being and to get the message out quickly, according to the Halifax Herald News.

The IDSS directive was sent out about an hour after the latest beheadings in Ottawa and Montreal.

In Halifax, IDSS spokesman Rademar Griswold told the Herald News that civilian security measures have been changed from the norm.

“The Canadian public is continually adapting to meet the demands of an evolving security environment,” he said.

In a press conference this afternoon, Director Hephzibah told reporters that the new provisions were urgently needed, and would apply to all citizens and residents of Canada.

“The extremists who commit these bestial criminal acts single out pedestrians as their targets,” he said. “Therefore, we intend to deny them these targets.”

When asked how citizens will be able to move from place to place, Director Hephzibah said, “People may ride a bicycle, drive a car, take a bus, or call a taxi. They have plenty of options. If they are unable to do any of these, they may call their local IDSS office and request an anti-extremism national security escort. A squad of trained IDSS pedestrians will be immediately dispatched to their home or office to accompany them on the street and ensure that they arrive at their destination safely.”

However, resourceful citizens have already gotten around the new rules by riding on the backs of large dogs to do their shopping. When asked about this practice, Director Hephzibah replied, “Technically speaking, caninians are not pedestrians. However, we are in the process of changing the regulations to close this loophole, and expect to issue a revised directive tomorrow or Thursday.”

To the accompaniment of hisses from disapproving fellow reporters, one correspondent asked: “Will people who call a taxi to avoid becoming pedestrians be allowed to ask for a non-Muslim cab driver?”

“Absolutely not!” said Guillemot Hephzibah firmly. “That would be racist and discriminatory. If we were to permit that, the terrorists would have won.”

*   No, these aren’t real news stories. This post is a spoof. However, the beginning of the quoted article is loosely based on the wording of a Fox News story (hat tip Fjordman) about the Atlantic commander’s warning to soldiers not to wear their uniforms in public in the wake of the murders of soldiers in Montreal and Ottawa.

8 thoughts on “A Pedestrian-Free Canada

  1. You forgot that beheading in Moose Jaw.

    In that case all the news reports are still calling the perp, the recently converted Muhammad bin Mohammed, by his given name.

    No doubt this decision to use only the name Lloyd Snoddy – bestowed upon him by his parents – is part of the MSM’s policy of reportage based solely on government directives. Hmph. The new yellow jornolism isn’t as good as the old yellow journalism, back when they weren’t afraid to call a spade a spade.

    • Terrible- and irrelevant- joke, so old that the Canadian PM was Chretien when I heard it.

      Chretien visits Moose Jaw, is greeted by the Mayor: “Mr Prime Minister, we’re so pleased to see you here, but I’m surprised to see you wearing a fox fur hat. Even here, this isn’t PC nowadays.”

      Chretien: “It was my wife’s idea. I said I was coming to Moose Jaw, and she said, “Wear the fox hat!”

  2. We are lucky to be living in a democracy, where you are free to say about some outsiders.
    Muslims warned us in the west just a few days ago that they would attack westerners if they attack ISIS and they would be using non-muslims for that purpose to escape detection. And they did.
    I connected the dots and everything seemed clear. Islamists. Instructions. Their agent in the west. taking action.
    But I was dead wrong.
    I should say and think that : Those jihadis are lone wolves. They are poor and desperate. They acted alone. No one gave them a sign to act. They were converts to religion of peace but have nothing to do with . . . well peace. They immediately are mentally incapable just 2 seconds before committing their jihad , therefore sick, and go back to sleep, there is no danger.
    In a free country you can say whatever you like except the truth.

    • Not only would the TRUTH set you free…. IT JUST MIGHT SAVE LIVES of non-Islamic folks!!

  3. Will the notoruous FFRF be objecting? I have my doupts wont create big headlines in some leftists news rag

  4. What we need are more armed pedestrians. These acts are now picking up in intensity and should put an end to calls for gun restrictions.

  5. Excellent article but it failed to mention the suggestion that Canadian non-Muslim citizens try to cut off their own heads and carry them on a platter with the expectation of reattaching it when you get where you are going, out of site of any muslims you may be tempting with the site of your bare and intact neck.

    “No one” said the head of Canada’s CSIS for public safety, “Is less offensive to a muslim terrorist than a beheaded infidel”.

    For those who cannot manage to do so, a thick leather scarf is recommended at the very very least.

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