Dieter Nuhr, Germany’s most popular standup comedian, is among the few daredevils who makes fun of Islamic habits. Below are brief excerpts from two of his Islamophobic routines.
Many thanks to Herb for the translation (in the comments at GoV), to SimonXML for fixing the timing, and to Vlad Tepes for the subtitling:
Transcript:
| 00:39 | There is that faith in the good in people, whereas the common opinion is | |
| 00:43 | different. Most people say, Man is bad, he must be punished, | |
| 00:47 | otherwise he will never learn. That would be, say, the Arab solution: | |
| 00:51 | what’s to say against cutting off the hands of a thief? | |
| 00:53 | That works once, twice, | |
| 00:55 | the third time — well, that’s real tough. | |
| 01:01 | We will all learn that justice and religion are closely related. | |
| 01:05 | We all watch out not to speak out untruth about Islam, because | |
| 01:09 | someone in Pakistan might put a Fatwa on you, | |
| 01:13 | which is a worldwide public invitation to shoot you, and that was it. | |
| 01:17 | You’d better watch out! !This is why I will completely avoid that subject tonight.. | |
| 01:30 | I went out to buy a Koran in order to find out what can be said or not. | |
| 01:38 | There was nothing left to say — too bad. | |
| 01:50 | My mum told me to leave out that topic. | |
| 01:54 | The human rights situation in Germany today is not such that you can speak out loud. | |
| 01:58 | For the first time since 1945 you must fear to be killed because you say something wrong. | |
| 02:06 | Some priest in Pakistan might say… my mum says: don’t talk about that! | |
| 02:10 | You should not always talk back! It wasn’t any different in the Third Reich. | |
| 02:14 | If you didn’t talk back you stayed out of trouble. | |
| 02:18 | unless you were Jewish… or gay. | |
| 02:22 | But you shouldn’t be in Pakistan today, either, should you? | |
| 02:39 | I tried sincerely to acquire a Koran to check accurately, but that wasn’t easy at all. | |
| 02:43 | I went to a book store | |
| 02:47 | that had an entire shelf of books about religions, but no Koran. | |
| 02:51 | Then I checked the fantasy-shelves… nothing there either. | |
| 02:55 | I didn’t even try the humour shelves. | |
| 02:59 | I mean, as far as humour and religion is concerned, | |
| 03:03 | we should grant them more time to develop. | |
| 03:07 | They are still in the year 622 or something. | |
| 03:11 | and we didn’t have comedy yet by then, did we? | |
| 03:15 | The burning of witches had just started, | |
| 03:19 | and they do not burn people there… do they? | |
| 03:23 | They stone them! | |
| 03:27 | I do somehow pity the Muslims that have been living here for decades | |
| 03:31 | and do not really care much about religion. | |
| 03:35 | It’s not easy for them to be lumped together with Islamists. | |
| 03:39 | I mean, I was a choirboy as a child and I don’t want to be held responsible for the crimes of Christianity. | |
| 03:43 | So, how critical can one be with a foreign culture, | |
| 03:47 | always aware that you might be branded as xenophobic? | |
| 03:54 | And you said: | |
| 03:55 | Well, look, they mutilate little girls, arrange forced marriages, | |
| 04:00 | execute honour killings, all that was accepted as folklore among us | |
| 04:04 | politically correct folks. | |
| 04:08 | Hey. That’s they way they are, hahaha. | |
| 04:12 | When we met last time, | |
| 04:20 | Osama was still alive. | |
| 04:24 | Osama bin Laden, | |
| 04:28 | Well, he met an untimely death, frankly. | |
| 04:32 | I always told him, ‘Osama,’ I said to him, | |
| 04:36 | ‘terrorist is not a vocation that makes your old age happy.’ | |
| 04:40 | Now he is dead, because the Americans looked at sura no. 9: | |
| 04:44 | ‘Kill the unbelievers wherever you find them, | |
| 04:48 | and it’s always the guy with the gun who decides | |
| 04:52 | who is miscreant. The Koran addresses what to do to the non-Muslims, | |
| 04:56 | so sura 9 says that non-Muslims should be shot…. | |
| 05:00 | or blown up, according to the respective local custom. | |
| 05:04 | Whereas the killing of Muslims is strictly forbidden by the Koran, | |
| 05:09 | but Osama rarely acted accordingly. | |
| 05:13 | Al Qaida killed more Muslims than George Bush. | |
| 05:17 | But that’s the way terror business works. | |
| 05:21 | But let’s not be petty here, there is no smoke without fire. | |
| 05:25 | Now he is in paradise and maybe he checked what it’s like. | |
| 05:29 | I mean, it was real stupid of him | |
| 05:33 | to subscribe to a pay-TV channel | |
| 05:37 | and give away his address and credit card number. | |
| 05:41 | I wouldn’t have done that, in his place. | |
| 05:49 | I don’t know for real how the Americans found him, | |
| 05:53 | maybe he had a Playstation | |
| 05:57 | or mail-order porn-movies. | |
| 06:01 | Many people asked themselves: may we enjoy the death of a human being? | |
| 06:06 | Our chancellor did enjoy it. | |
| 06:10 | The churches were shocked: | |
| 06:14 | never shouldst thou enjoy the death of a man. | |
| 06:18 | I thought to myself…… well, ok, | |
| 06:22 | then…not! | |
| 06:26 | Were you entitled to enjoy the death of Adolf Hitler? | |
| 06:30 | Not the churches, of course, | |
| 06:34 | hey had a totally different agenda during the Third Reich! | |
| 06:42 | So may we enjoy the death of Osama? | |
| 06:46 | I say : Yes! | |
| 06:50 | I enjoyed it for him, | |
| 06:54 | because it was his aim in life to become a martyr, | |
| 06:58 | and the Americans above all fulfilled this wish! | |
| 07:02 | What a surprise for him! All the years before, he had to let others go before him, | |
| 07:03 | the poor chap. Now he was so glad that his turn had finally come. | |
| 07:07 | His life is not bad, there in paradise, better than at home, | |
| 07:11 | in his “VILLA”. | |
| 07:15 | You remember the pictures of this VILLA? | |
| 07:19 | This goes to show why so few people want to be a terrorist. | |
| 07:23 | I would rather prefer to be, say, an insurance broker. | |
| 07:36 | Both have one thing in common: | |
| 07:40 | Insurance broker is a boring job | |
| 07:44 | all that matters is if you blew the year or not. | |
| 07:52 | The martyr is rewarded | |
| 07:56 | by 72 virgins, | |
| 08:00 | well, they are not really virgins, | |
| 08:04 | to be honest. But the Islamist wants virgins, | |
| 08:08 | this is kind of inhibited, | |
| 08:12 | because, in the end sex is like chess, right? | |
| 08:20 | He/she who knows the game doesn’t enjoy playing with rookies. | |
| 08:24 | And those 72 virgins | |
| 08:28 | which the martyr is assumingly entitled to, it sounds like a lot | |
| 08:32 | but consider: you are there for eternity! | |
| 08:36 | So, 72, after the first million years, | |
| 08:40 | you say…. Hoooh, huuhh, well…. coming back to the bedroom, | |
| 08:44 | you look and say: oh, no, not her again! | |
| 08:48 | And some ask more practical questions like: | |
| 08:52 | what happens when you’re through with all of them? | |
| 08:56 | So before converting, inquire precisely if you | |
| 09:01 | What’s with the virginity? I asked an imam I trust, | |
| 09:05 | and he said: | |
| 09:09 | If you sleep with a virgin in paradise, | |
| 09:13 | she regains her virginity right after sex. | |
| 09:21 | I don’t know what “right away” means in this case: | |
| 09:25 | directly in the bathroom, or only at breakfast next morning. | |
| 09:29 | And many women ask themselves: and what about us? | |
| 09:33 | There are female martyrs, after all. | |
| 09:37 | All right, I got an answer: female martyrs get — no kidding — their own husbands. | |
| 09:45 | It serves them right, in this case. | |
| 09:49 | If I did not know that the Koran is the word of GOD | |
| 09:53 | I would think that a man wrote it. |
Can we have Dieter Nuhr on the BBC, please. Who says there’s no humour in Germany?
Thank you, Herb for giving the Anglosphere an opportunity to appreciate German comedy.
The first half isn’t bad — a bit gingerly, but certainly better than any American comedian would dare to do.
The second half is completely safe — targeting Osama bin Laden is easy. Even Letterman has done that many times.
Wandering further along the path of political incorrectness would perhaps scare of his audience.
Hesperado, when you were in college, I’ll bet you majored in You’re Doing It Wrong and minored in Damning With Faint Praise.
Brilliant! (sorry Hesp).
There’s no excuse for not trying to be better — particularly when escalating mass murder is the price to pay.
I liked the way he admitted to having been too politically correct in the past. I think that applies many to us, and will allow many more liberal people to stand up against islam. Also the way he clearly states that the last time one couldn’t speak freely in Germany was 1945!!!
The Germans will have to fight for their freedom for the first time in their history against the invaders who would debase their culture, their historical identity.
They can do so bravely.
They can resist Islam without self-righteousness, they can resist it in the name of justice. Simple justice and humanism.
These are things Germans and all of us can understand. Well worth risking many things for are they.