The Progressive Alphabet


Our German translator JLH obviously has too much time on his hands. Given that I am similarly afflicted, his latest effort seemed to be right on my wavelength. [Thus, I felt compelled to interfere edit a bit. I hope he forgives me.]

The subtitle to his clever Alphabet? —

Background information on making a left turn against traffic

Readers’ further ideas are welcome. No graffiti, of course. That’s a pastime best left to Progressives.

A is for Activism:
Going to a picnic carrying a sign that says: “Save the Ants.”

B is for Brussels:
The iron fist in the chocolate glove.

C is for Civility:
Just keep your opinions to yourself and I won’t have to hurt you. Much.

D is for Democrat:
My friends and I are the 99%. Everyone else is the 1%… Math? What math?

E is for EPA:
Stop. ALL. human. activity. right. now. [Evil People Activity?]

F is for Facebook:
Lie down on the couch and tell me everything. [it will all be used against you]

G is for Google:
“Don’t Be Evil” — and censoring citizens for the People’s Republic of China is NOT evil.

H is for Hollywood:
What blacklist?

I is for Islamization:
Resistance is futile. Ask the OIC.

J is for Justice:
Don’t expect to get any here. That’s simply the name of our Department.

K is for Kaffir:
An Arabic word used by Muslims to designate “Other”. Some extremerightwing paranoids think it’s derogatory.

L is for Legislate:
An obsolete group commotion most often performed in circles; it is known to interfere with the new improved linear executive action.

M is for Main Stream Media:
It’s the narrative, stupid.

N is for Nazis:
They’re everywhere! They need to be rounded up and exterminated re-educated. [See ‘K’]

O is for Occupy:
Free food, free sex, free dirt and even freer, dirtier disease. No free thought allowed.

P is for Press
…# 2, if you wish to speak English as a foreign language.

Q is for Quantitative Easing:
It’s complicated. Just trust us.

R is for Reform:
What to call an unnatural government act that destroys something useful.

S is for Socialism:
Just like Das Kapital and the New Testament, right?

T is for TSA:
We’re not intrusive, merely sadistic… and legal.

U is for Unions:
We know where you live.

V is for Voter:
Endangered species whose existence is attested to largely by mail-in ballots and obituary notices.

W is for Weather Underground:
An intellectual movement of the Seventies. It produced many secular saints.

X is for Xenophobia:
A mind parasite known to invade white people’s grey matter. Others are immune.

Y is for Yurt:
Guest accommodations for visiting Israeli “dignitaries”.

Z is for Zionism:
Evil movement to dominate the world. It is resisted by brave Muslims, enlightened politicians, and smart college students.

One thought on “The Progressive Alphabet

  1. Thank you, Dymphna….you have helped to banish the Alphabet a la Gorey, in the Gashlycrumb Tinies.

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