The USPS Tightens Its Belt… Again

The current recession has forced all Americans to cut their expenses, and the U.S. Postal Service is no exception. The following report from today’s Washington Post outlines the latest plans by the Postal Service to reduce costs and increase revenues:

Fiscal Crisis at the USPS

Bill Ayers stampThe ongoing recession has left the United States Postal Service facing a projected $12 billion budget shortfall this year, with no indication that the agency will see an end to the red ink for at least another five years. Last week, after Congress turned down its latest request to raise the cost of a first-class stamp to $1.73, the Postal Service rushed to devise ingenious new budgetary strategies in an attempt to cut back on expenses and raise revenues.

The USPS will be unable to achieve any additional savings by further reducing the wages of its employees. Clave Gullimafrey, the president of the American Postal Workers Union, told reporters, “Last year our people saw their pay cut to $63 an hour. They can’t take any more ‘austerity’. It’s no longer reasonable or possible to balance the budget on the back of the American postperson.”

At a press conference yesterday, Postal Service spokesperson Medula Aspartama said that her agency must now consider draconian reductions in other parts of its budget. As a first step, the Postmaster General has ordered the implementation of a long-planned move to cut service hours at all post offices to 8:00am-9:30am every other Thursday.

Ms. Aspartama unexpectedly announced an additional cost-saving initiative: all post offices in cities of fewer than 50,000 inhabitants will be closed. “According to the most recent census figures, 71% of Americans live within an hour’s drive of a city having a population of 50,000 or more. This new measure will cause no major hardships, and it is expected to save the Service eight to ten billion dollars next year.”

In addition to cuts, the Postal Service is looking at new ways to increase revenue.

“We’re issuing a new series of official stamps next month,” said Ms. Aspartama. “These stamps will feature Lady Gaga, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Bill Ayers, and other major exemplars of American culture. We expect them to have wide popular appeal, particularly among collectors.”

Ms. Aspartama also described another line of stamps that is currently in the design phase. “It will be a series representing Lesbian, Gay, Transgendered, Bisexual, and Asexual farm animals. The market for these stamps is projected to be middle-schoolers, especially those 4-H members who are participating in the National Diverse Animal Husbandry Program.”

Further cost-cutting and revenue-enhancing measures will be announced next week, she said.

8 thoughts on “The USPS Tightens Its Belt… Again

  1. Sixty three dollars an hour?
    Where do l apply for a job – that is as long as l dont have to lick the Lady Gaga stamps – l will only do that if they pay me seventy four dollars an hour.

  2. Go to every other day delivery and fire half the delivery postmen. You would still have deliveries 6 days a week but to any home or business it would be alternate days. No big deal and would cut most of the employment costs in half.

  3. …that is as long as l dont have to lick the Lady Gaga stamps – l will only do that if they pay me seventy four dollars an hour.

    That chore is being done by post pubescent teenage males.

  4. From what I’ve read the “United States Postal Service” has a regulation that prohibits the placing of a living person’s image on a postage stamp.

    So, seeing Bill Ayres depicted on the stamp could be GOOD NEWS!

  5. Heroyalwhyness had something to say about being fooled:

    Even the statement, “Last year our people saw their pay cut to $63 an hour” line was plausible. I actually googled “Medula Aspartama” and “Clave Gullimafrey” to confirm my suspicions.

    You’re good . . .too good

    When I asked to post her email, (Blooger is not her friend) she replied:

    Of course – you really had me going there . . .yes, even with the Bill Ayers stamp. Given this administration and its support from the msm (Soledad O’Brien’s defense of critical race theory…it was indeed plausible!

    That’s the best part about a good April Fool’s joke: just barely plausible. The Left has degraded into self-parody & have become easy pickings.

  6. Seriously, the USPS has recently asked for a waiver from “Obamacare” claiming that they would be able to provide health insurance through the private market cheaper than the gov’t ordered health care market.

    You can’t make this stuff up!

    (As of this date over 1,100 organizations, mostly unions, have received a waiver from Obamacare.)

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