JLH, our German translator and intrepid jornolist, just sent us this transcript of our Dear Leader’s latest press conference.
All I can say is, “Watch out, Iowahawk!”
My fellow… Americans,
I speak to you today with a heavy heart and a light mind, to bring you up to date on the problems of the day facing my administration. These burdens, left by the former resident of the Oval Office, affect me deeply.
There is a tragedy in Japan. That was not my fault.
There is a developing disaster in Libya. Everyone knows that it is not nice to kill your own citizens (without good reason). Therefore, I have ordered the TSA to look into a no-fly zone there. That proud motto, “If anybody can keep people on the ground, it’s the TSA” has reflected this agency’s impressive record.
I hear that Iran has ships in the Mediterranean Sea. I am not concerned. We have ships in the Straits of Hormuz. Fair is fair. They are also having trouble with street demonstrations. I have asked Andy Stern to consult with them on the problem. It may be simply a question of fringe benefits – like democracy in, say, Wisconsin.
I have spoken to Hamas about their continued rocket attacks on Israel.
They are investigating the possibility of spontaneous combustion of the rocket fuel. I have been assured the unfortunate malfunction is due to an inferior design by a Jewish company that had the lowest bid for the rockets.
I have also been assured by the British government that the reason I was not invited to the upcoming royal wedding was only because I am not royalty. I have asked them where they got that idea.
I am urgently requesting that the Republican majority in the House of Representatives fast-track my health and stimulus initiatives. It would be disastrous if union members should lose access to the best golf courses just for lack of public funds. Please, stop punishing the middle class!
I am late for my
tea tee time. Any questions will be answered by my teleprompter.