Last year we featured several amusing multiculturally-themed videos by the San Francisco comedian Will Franken. His latest witty routine is posted in a Facebook note, of all places. Make sure you read all the way to the end — this little dialogue takes some surprising twists and turns before it reaches the punch line:
The Nature of Injury is Grievance
by Will Franken
Doctor: Hello, sorry about the wait. I’m afraid that I have some bad news. Given the nature of the injury your son has sustained, it’s quite likely that he may never be able to do the Sign of the Cross. Mother: What do you mean, “do the Sign of the Cross”? Doctor: The Catholic thing with the right hand — “In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit… “ Mother: Oh, that’s okay. We’re not Catholic. Doctor: I know. You were the one who scrawled “We’re Muslims!” all over the ER admission forms. But as much as I am required by law to respect — at least nominally — your “religion”, it’s also the policy here at Our Lady Of Perpetual Help for doctors to let parents know when their children have sustained injuries that may prevent them from kneeling before the tabernacle of our Holy Savior and blessing themselves with the Sign of the Cross. I’m a doctor. It’s my job. Mother: Well, thanks for the “bad” news. So is my son going to be okay otherwise? Doctor: Er, that’s the thing… I’m afraid this is the most difficult part of being a doctor. Yet I must be painfully honest with you. Because of the nature of the injury, your son is also going to have extreme difficulty in praying any sort of novena to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. Sadly, that would also include the 3 pm recitation of the Chaplet of Divine Mercy every Friday in Lent. Mother: Fine, fine, fine. But other than that…? Doctor: Other than that, he should avoid any observance of the Stations of the Cross — at least until Easter. I’d also caution against him wearing a blessed Miraculous Medal, singing the Gospel acclamation, availing himself of intercessory prayer, or renewing his baptismal vows. And, of course, confirmation with holy oil and receipt of First Eucharist at the hands of the Archbishop during the Saturday Vigil is a HUGE no-no. Mother: What about normal, everyday, Muslim things? Like running, jumping, exploding?
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Doctor: Oh, he’ll be fine. In fact, as you wrote on those ER admission forms we just handed over to the FBI, if you get your way — that’s all there’s gonna be for him to do. Mother: Well, I hope you didn’t think I was being pushy there. Doctor: Not at all. In fact, there’s a lot of similarities between our peoples. For example, you and I both respect charity as a virtue. The only difference is, your charity goes to Muslims. And our charity goes to everyone — including Muslims. That’s why we call our charity “charity” and you call your charity “zakat”. Mother: Well, of all the nerve! What’s the matter, doc? Itching for another Crusade? Doctor: Oh, the Crusades! Thanks for reminding me! Well, if you look at this MRI of objective truth, you can see that Islam, in the years preceding the Crusades, had managed to violently subdue a myriad of diverse, flourishing cultures, all the while amassing a staggering quantity of possessions and land that would have rivaled that of the Roman Empire at its pinnacle. Thankfully, what our surgical team was able to do — through a combination of physical strength and moral truth — was to embark on a defensive — as opposed to the more Koranic offensive — series of Crusades to protect and preserve what was, at that critical point in history, an embryonic yet emerging Western Civilization — thus making it safe for all of that Beethoven, Winston Churchill, and Beatles to ultimately pass through much later. A quite healthier course of action than blind and complacent pacifism, wouldn’t you agree? Mother: Uh… I’m sorry, doctor. You see, I’m the only child of a multi-billion dollar Arab oil tycoon. So, unlike you, I couldn’t really afford to go to the sort of fancy, hoity-toity, upper crust, ivory tower medical school that my family owns. This conversation has gotten so scholarly and fact-based, that I don’t even remember what my son’s injury was in the first place! Doctor: He fell out of your womb and became a heathen.
Hat tip: Apollon Zamp.